Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Why Not Me? Why Not Now?

So, I've never really opened up about the subject of child-bearing, or the struggles we've encountered so far, and really, I'm not sure that I am quite ready to broach that topic. Suffice it to say, that we want babies, as soon as God will give them to us, and initial reports from the doctors are not encouraging.
I choose to trust the Lord implicitly, because He is GOOD, always GOOD, and because He has always proven faithful in my life, and because His timing is perfect, and His ways are not my ways, and He knows all the days He has numbered for me, and for my children.
This trust, however, does not negate the little twinge in my heart when I hear stories like this one I read today on FoxNews. A mother killed her 6 month old son because she thought he might be showing signs of Autism, and was afraid that it would "ruin" her life. So she just killed him, left him in the crib, and went downstairs to plan a vacation with her husband. It wasn't until early the next morning that the gravity of what she had done hit her, and now she's sorry. Is she sorry she killed him? Or sorry she got caught? That's really not the point. The point is, this woman had a beautiful child, who was perfectly healthy according to all of his doctors, and she threw it away because it was inconvenient for her. And yet, here I am, wanting a baby almost as much as I want to breathe, but haven't been able to have one yet.
Why not me? Why can't I have had that precious little one? I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't kill him while he slept.
I know I'm not alone. There are thousands of women who have babies and treat them like garbage, and there are thousands more who shed innumerable tears of sadness as their barrenness echoes in the deepest grief of a heart.
I guess it's one of those things I'll never understand. Good thing that God does, and He has a plan, and it's PERFECT. If if not now, then He has something He's doing in me to prepare me for the "when".

"You're amazing God, You're amazing God, You can bear the weight of every heavy heart. You can heal the pain, You can clean the stain, you can turn our tears into songs of praise. You're amazing God!"


MrMrsJones said...

I first need to apologize for trying to ask about your journey in such a casual way! Sorry friend. I am going to let you take your time and share your heart. But I am thankful I got to read some of your thoughts about wanting a child. I will rejoice with you when that day comes!! 4 months and then a birth, right? ;)

Amy E. said...

Hey dear friend.
AMne! God is good and His timing is PERFECT. Love you so much.

Joy said...

Hi, Christi! I came across your blog tonight, and this post is so touching. I have a little girl, but I also have struggled with infertility for the last six years as we have desired to add on to our family. I have PCOS and Endometriosis. Ryley's life is a miracle, and we are waiting for another miracle!!!

I just want you to know that I will be praying for you! God has GOOD plans in store for you, and He works miracles. My sister-in-law struggled with infertility for 7 years and is finally pregnant with twins! :-) Don't give up! And if you ever want to talk about it, know that I'm here.

Much love and many blessings!

Joy (Steiner) Moore