Saturday, April 4, 2009

Chapter Eight: When God Changed His Mind

"For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow."
~Lamentations 3:31-33

It was the Thursday night before Memorial Day weekend, and I was preparing for a quick getaway to San Francisco to see Grandma Sharon. I was leaving directly after work on Friday, and coming back late on Monday night, and I was really looking forward to the break. As I was finishing up some laundry and getting my bags packed, I had my computer up and was chatting with some friends in Phoenix. Suddenly there was a message from him. After weeks of nothing, no emails, calls, texts, NOTHING, there it was sitting on my screen. "Hi", was all it said. The roller coaster car zoomed to the top of my heart and I dared to hope, yet again. Maybe he had finally seen the truth. Maybe he was jealous of Paul's attention. Maybe he was ready to come back. Maybe.....

I responded and asked how he was. I don't remember the exact conversation, but it went along the lines of he was feeling a little down and listening to some songs and he missed me. He sent me the mp3s of the songs, and they all had some kind of message about "I made the biggest mistake of my life", or "I miss you", or "Would you take me back?". As I sat there at my desk, I just began sobbing, my hearts wound ripping open afresh. He said nothing else; just sent the songs and disappeared. I screamed at the computer. I wanted to rip out the cords and throw it out the window. WHY?!??! How could he do this to me...AGAIN??? And again the roller coaster car hit the bottom.

In the midst of my outbreak, Paul called me. I tried to pull myself together, to no avail. I just cried and cried as I told him what Zeke had just done and how I was so tired of this ride, and that I didn't know if I could fight anymore. Paul listened, empathized, and then he challenged me.
Actually, it was more like a bet.

"You should turn off both of your cell phones and leave your laptop here," he said. "Can you handle that? I just think that you need to take some time with Daddy God and hear from Him." Now, I'm probably one of the most competitive people in the world, and I wasn't about to admit that this would be one of the hardest challenges of my life.
[As a side note, I've learned since that my "life language" is Influencer, who's greatest need is CONNECTION, so to be disconnected from everyone back home was HUGE].

I talked to Paul all the way to the airport, all the way to the gate, and up until they closed the gate, and then I had to turn the phone off. As the screen went black, my heart hurt for Paul.
WHAT?!?!?!?! Paul? Could it be? Why did I miss him? What about Zeke? It was one of the longest plane rides as I cried to the Lord for some answers. Had I strayed? Was I headed the wrong direction? Was I "cheating" on Zeke? What was going on?

When Grandma picked me up from the airport, we headed toward dinner, and immediately dove into conversation about relationships. I spilled my heart about Zeke and Paul and how I was so sure about Zeke that I don't know how to interpret my feelings for Paul. And with the wisdom of the ages, she simply said, "Why are you wasting your time on a man who can't decide if he loves you when you have an amazing man who is sweet, thoughtful, and obviously smitten with you?" It was the million dollar question.

Whenever I spent time with Grandma, I would sleep in the 5th wheeler. It was my own little apartment, and this weekend it became my sanctuary. I slept little, read the Bible some, and prayed like fire was raining from the sky and the earth was about to eat me up. On Sunday morning, I was sitting in Grandpa's old leather rocking chair, holding my Bible to my chest, quietly yearning for a word from God. And then it came. "It is finished." With these three words, all striving ceased and peace wrapped around my heart, and I felt completely released. I was free! IT was as if God plucked me right out of the roller coaster and set my feet on solid ground. Joy bubbled out and for the first time in months I was happy, giddy in love and flitting about like a school girl with her first crush. I couldn't wait to see Paul on Monday night, and Zeke quickly faded into the background.

It was sudden. It was beautiful. It was surprising. It was the beginning of a new journey....when God changed His mind.

Next time on As the Heart Turns, Chapter Nine: "Not a Shotgun!!!"

1 comment:

Amy E. said...

What a blessing to read