Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Why Not Me? Why Not Now?

So, I've never really opened up about the subject of child-bearing, or the struggles we've encountered so far, and really, I'm not sure that I am quite ready to broach that topic. Suffice it to say, that we want babies, as soon as God will give them to us, and initial reports from the doctors are not encouraging.
I choose to trust the Lord implicitly, because He is GOOD, always GOOD, and because He has always proven faithful in my life, and because His timing is perfect, and His ways are not my ways, and He knows all the days He has numbered for me, and for my children.
This trust, however, does not negate the little twinge in my heart when I hear stories like this one I read today on FoxNews. A mother killed her 6 month old son because she thought he might be showing signs of Autism, and was afraid that it would "ruin" her life. So she just killed him, left him in the crib, and went downstairs to plan a vacation with her husband. It wasn't until early the next morning that the gravity of what she had done hit her, and now she's sorry. Is she sorry she killed him? Or sorry she got caught? That's really not the point. The point is, this woman had a beautiful child, who was perfectly healthy according to all of his doctors, and she threw it away because it was inconvenient for her. And yet, here I am, wanting a baby almost as much as I want to breathe, but haven't been able to have one yet.
Why not me? Why can't I have had that precious little one? I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't kill him while he slept.
I know I'm not alone. There are thousands of women who have babies and treat them like garbage, and there are thousands more who shed innumerable tears of sadness as their barrenness echoes in the deepest grief of a heart.
I guess it's one of those things I'll never understand. Good thing that God does, and He has a plan, and it's PERFECT. If if not now, then He has something He's doing in me to prepare me for the "when".

"You're amazing God, You're amazing God, You can bear the weight of every heavy heart. You can heal the pain, You can clean the stain, you can turn our tears into songs of praise. You're amazing God!"