Yes, I said “causes”. This was by far the most difficult thing to wrap my mind around. I had always been taught that God has “good plans” for us, something about future, hope, and joy, you know the verse. And I believe that He is always good, and always has our best interest in mind. Of this there is NO doubt. But, I have come to discover that this does not mean that everything feels “good” or that we will never experience pain. It is a warped mindset that has been perpetuated in the western church that “claims” only the “pleasant promises” in the word, and then teaches that if you’re not experiencing all good things in your life then you must be weak in your faith, or have committed some sin, or anything else that places blame on you. This is completely contradictory to the Word, which says that He will “lead us into all truth” and that “He makes our paths straight”. So, if I truly believe that He is guiding my every step, then I have no other choice than to believe that He sometimes leads me into dark places.
I will never forget when this started becoming clear. Paul and I were engaged, and I was heading back to Donna’s house (where I stayed for a couple months to save money for the wedding), and I was stopped at a stop light. This street was just about 1 mile from where Zeke lived, and I remember crying out to the Lord, “Why didn’t You keep me from dating Zeke? You always warned me, or directed me, or kept me from making stupid relationship mistakes. Why didn’t you this time? Why did You let me go through so much pain?” And I heard His answer clear as day, “Will you trust me, even if I never tell you why?”
My whole world stopped. There it was, a challenge from the Almighty. Would I trust His sovereignty? Would I trust His heart? Did I truly believe in my heart that His plans are perfect? It drove me into His word, fully expecting to find out that I had just eaten too much green chile, and that God didn’t really say that. Here’s what I found instead (from the NKJV):
Lamentations 3:2, 32 He has led me and made me walk in darkness and not in light...Though He causes grief, Yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies.
Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For you are with me…
Job 2:9-10 Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!” But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” In all this, Job did not sin.
John 15:20 If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you
John 16:33 In the world you will have tribulation.
I found that God promises that we will have pain in this world. I bet you don’t hear that one “claimed” as much, eh? But He has also promised that He will never leave us or forsake us. So we can walk through those valleys of the shadow of death with confidence that “death” is only a shadow, in the glorious light of His presence.
I can already hear the responses, so let me clarify. Lamentations 3:33 says that the Lord “does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men”. I’m not saying that God causes us harm. There is a difference. It can be subtle, and it can feel like God is inflicting great pain on us, but He is good and merciful and faithful and His love endures forever. So when He leads us, we can be confident that He is leading us in our destiny, purpose and with our best interests in His heart. So how can we tell the difference? I’d like to paint you a picture.
Imagine yourself in the center of the Amazon jungle. The undergrowth is thick, and the canopy of the rich rain forest block any sign of the outside world, including the sun, moon or stars. It’s dark. It’s very dark. But you are walking. You have a guide, and he’s warned you of the potential dangers in the forest, which include, but are not limited to, wild animals, poisonous plants, quicksand, getting lost, or even an encounter with an cannibalistic tribe. But he has promised that if you stick close to him, he will take you to the most beautiful and rich land, full of promise. You have agreed to take the journey, convinced that the end is worth the risks of the trip. Suddenly you trip over an exposed root, falling face first into a patch of poisonous leaves. The itching begins immediately, driving you to a point of insanity. Your guide kneels down into the same patch of leaves, takes your arm and lifts you to your feet. He reaches into his backpack, and pulls out a bottle of some salve that you really don’t want to know about, and begins to apply it to the hives that have covered your exposed skin. As your pain begins to subside, you realize that he’s not itching. In fact, he has had no reaction to the poisonous leaves whatsoever. The journey resumes, and as you’re walking, you catch yourself watching his steps as well as yours, watching out for those dang roots, and you ask him, “Why didn’t you have a reaction to those leaves?” Your guide simply smiles and says, “Once you’ve encountered that poison, you build an immunity to it, and it will no longer harm you. I fell into a patch very much like that one a long time ago, and now I could sleep in it with no reaction.” You ponder this as you continue on your journey, and you’re intrigued. You ask the guide for all his secrets, and He just smiles, and says “You’ll learn in time. For now, let’s keep walking.”
The guide did not cause you to fall. He did not cause you to have a reaction. He was simply leading you. This is the difference. We live in a fallen world. This is a place where we will fall, we will feel pain, we will scream and cry and shout, and find ourselves surrounded by darkness. But that does not mean we “missed” the Lord’s leading. He may have just led us there.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Epilogue - Intro
I’m in the truck headed back to Texas after a quick weekend jaunt to Albuquerque. I was unprepared for the flood of emotions that hit me as we came over the mountain and descended into the city. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming. My good friend told me, over coffee, on Thursday night that she thought that I should finish the story and leave it in Albuquerque. I should have known that God was up to something. You see, this weekend marked the 3 year anniversary of Paul and I just knowing each other. And I think that God had the ultimate “anniversary” present for me. Freedom.
This will always be a part of my past, but I believe that God is closing this chapter, and writing the next. And I’m excited to see what He has up His sleeves. But before I leave you, there are a few parts of this story that trample on our paradigms if you will. You may be even questioning my Christianity. If it makes you feel better, sometimes I question it too. But all kidding aside, there were some difficult lessons that I was forced to learn during this time. I didn’t want to include these in the stories, as I felt that they may bog it down some, but I do feel that it’s an integral part of the process. So, in no specific order I leave you with the following thoughts:
This will always be a part of my past, but I believe that God is closing this chapter, and writing the next. And I’m excited to see what He has up His sleeves. But before I leave you, there are a few parts of this story that trample on our paradigms if you will. You may be even questioning my Christianity. If it makes you feel better, sometimes I question it too. But all kidding aside, there were some difficult lessons that I was forced to learn during this time. I didn’t want to include these in the stories, as I felt that they may bog it down some, but I do feel that it’s an integral part of the process. So, in no specific order I leave you with the following thoughts:
Chapter Ten: I Will to I Do
Fast-forward to the first week of August. I had just earned my Masters of Theology from Desert Rose Christian College in Phoenix, and the ceremony was set to be that Thursday night. My parents were driving down from Salt Lake City along with my grandma, and Paul flew to Albuquerque to drive me out to Phoenix. We had already discussed that he would take this time to ask my dad for my hand, and I was so excited that I could barely sleep. I was sure that he would propose while we were in Phoenix, my home and favorite place!
We made it through the weekend with my parents’ seal of approval along with my degree, but no ring. To say that I was disappointed as we drove back to Albuquerque would be the understatement of the year. As we approached Albuquerque, it was about 1:30am. I was mostly asleep, but awake enough to know that Paul missed my exit. He continued east, and slowly made his way up our mountain. I was exhausted, and I’m sure I was a little whiny. My only thought was that we had to get up at 5am to get him to the airport for his 6:30am flight and I just wanted to sleep. But, as Paul said, it was tradition. So we made the climb. When we got to the top, it was about 2:45am and a balmy 40 degrees, rain coming down. Having come from Phoenix, we were still dressed in shorts and flip flops, but tradition dictated that we park and walk to the crest. I whined, cajoled, maybe even cried a little, but Paul dragged me out of the Tahoe and walked me up there. We made it to the top, and it took me about 20 seconds to be ready to go back to the truck, but Paul grabbed me around the waist and said, “Let’s just wait for a minute.” We stood there silently under our umbrellas for a few seconds, then he said, “I don’t want to live my life without you.” I said, “But you don’t have to,” and I turned to face him. It was then that I found him on one knee, holding the ring box. “Will you marry me?” he asked, shivering. I immediately said yes and kissed him. Because it was dark, I couldn’t see the ring, and we were freezing, so he gave me the ring box and we ran down the hill back to the truck. When we got in, he showed me the ring and placed it on my finger. It was beautiful. It was perfect. And I couldn’t believe that all of this was real. I took a picture on my phone, but didn’t send it to anyone. It was late, and I really just wanted to enjoy this moment with him.
Neither of us slept that night, but we didn’t care. We were getting married, and that’s all that mattered.
Over the next couple weeks we set our date. November 25. This wasn’t our first choice initially as we didn’t want to wait. But after some prayer and many discussions with our family, we all agreed that November 25 was perfect. It was almost like poetic justice, as that was the day Zeke and I had tentatively set. It was the day I had dreamed about even before I met Zeke. In hindsight, it was as if God was giving me the date, I just had the wrong man. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
The next 3 months were crazy busy with planning the wedding, multiple bridal showers in multiple states, counseling, etc. We put thousands of miles on each of our vehicles as we drove the 1000 mile round-trip between Albuquerque and Wichita Falls every other weekend, just to spend a few hours with each other in person. In the midst of all of this, we felt like the Lord was calling us to be in Texas. He was already in Wichita Falls, but didn’t feel like he was supposed to stay there. I had been feeling drawn to Dallas, prior to even meeting him. After much prayer, several heated conversations and a couple of house hunting trips in the middle, we landed in Plano, just 2 weeks before the wedding.
Then Thanksgiving was upon us. It was our wedding week, and the entire family gathered for dinner at Mama Donna’s house. There was so much celebration and anticipation. We flew through the holiday, the bridal tea, getting the boys’ tuxes, rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and then it was Saturday.
November 25, 2006. The day that God fulfilled his promise in my life, and joined me to the exact man that I never knew I needed. Paul is everything that I wanted, and little did I know, even on that day, that he was EXACTLY what I needed. And the mystery of marriage began to unfold, as we drove off into the Albuquerque sunset.
We made it through the weekend with my parents’ seal of approval along with my degree, but no ring. To say that I was disappointed as we drove back to Albuquerque would be the understatement of the year. As we approached Albuquerque, it was about 1:30am. I was mostly asleep, but awake enough to know that Paul missed my exit. He continued east, and slowly made his way up our mountain. I was exhausted, and I’m sure I was a little whiny. My only thought was that we had to get up at 5am to get him to the airport for his 6:30am flight and I just wanted to sleep. But, as Paul said, it was tradition. So we made the climb. When we got to the top, it was about 2:45am and a balmy 40 degrees, rain coming down. Having come from Phoenix, we were still dressed in shorts and flip flops, but tradition dictated that we park and walk to the crest. I whined, cajoled, maybe even cried a little, but Paul dragged me out of the Tahoe and walked me up there. We made it to the top, and it took me about 20 seconds to be ready to go back to the truck, but Paul grabbed me around the waist and said, “Let’s just wait for a minute.” We stood there silently under our umbrellas for a few seconds, then he said, “I don’t want to live my life without you.” I said, “But you don’t have to,” and I turned to face him. It was then that I found him on one knee, holding the ring box. “Will you marry me?” he asked, shivering. I immediately said yes and kissed him. Because it was dark, I couldn’t see the ring, and we were freezing, so he gave me the ring box and we ran down the hill back to the truck. When we got in, he showed me the ring and placed it on my finger. It was beautiful. It was perfect. And I couldn’t believe that all of this was real. I took a picture on my phone, but didn’t send it to anyone. It was late, and I really just wanted to enjoy this moment with him.
Neither of us slept that night, but we didn’t care. We were getting married, and that’s all that mattered.
Over the next couple weeks we set our date. November 25. This wasn’t our first choice initially as we didn’t want to wait. But after some prayer and many discussions with our family, we all agreed that November 25 was perfect. It was almost like poetic justice, as that was the day Zeke and I had tentatively set. It was the day I had dreamed about even before I met Zeke. In hindsight, it was as if God was giving me the date, I just had the wrong man. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
The next 3 months were crazy busy with planning the wedding, multiple bridal showers in multiple states, counseling, etc. We put thousands of miles on each of our vehicles as we drove the 1000 mile round-trip between Albuquerque and Wichita Falls every other weekend, just to spend a few hours with each other in person. In the midst of all of this, we felt like the Lord was calling us to be in Texas. He was already in Wichita Falls, but didn’t feel like he was supposed to stay there. I had been feeling drawn to Dallas, prior to even meeting him. After much prayer, several heated conversations and a couple of house hunting trips in the middle, we landed in Plano, just 2 weeks before the wedding.
Then Thanksgiving was upon us. It was our wedding week, and the entire family gathered for dinner at Mama Donna’s house. There was so much celebration and anticipation. We flew through the holiday, the bridal tea, getting the boys’ tuxes, rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and then it was Saturday.
November 25, 2006. The day that God fulfilled his promise in my life, and joined me to the exact man that I never knew I needed. Paul is everything that I wanted, and little did I know, even on that day, that he was EXACTLY what I needed. And the mystery of marriage began to unfold, as we drove off into the Albuquerque sunset.
Chapter Nine: NOT a Shotgun!!!
The next week was a blur. Every night we were together, sometimes until 3-4am. We went Putt-Putt, we went up to our mountain again, we walked through the park, we talked and talked and talked. Then June 4 came. It was one of the hardest goodbyes I have ever said. It was a Monday morning, and Paul came over, early, just to say goodbye one more time. Paul had been transferred and was moving back to Wichita Falls. Neither of us said anything, we just stood there in each others arms, and I cried (crying was getting old!). He walked out the door, and I went back to bed, and cried myself to sleep.
We talked several hours later, as he was driving home, and thus begun the phone marathon. Over the next month, we logged over 7500 text messages and over 3500 minutes (Thank goodness we had the same phone carrier, so we had unlimited of each!). By the time I flew to Wichita Falls for the Fourth of July Weekend, we already knew that we were going to be together forever, however, we weren’t quite prepared to share that with everyone else just yet. It was this weekend that I met Paul’s parents and best friends. It was also this weekend that I had the “Zeke Bonfire”. We took an old coffee can, and I burned everything that I had that linked me to Zeke. There was my old journal in which I wrote many of my thoughts and prayers for Zeke and about Zeke. It was the journal he gave me for Christmas. There were some pictures of us, as well as the information we had designed for the “Band”. Paul said nothing, just stood there as my pillar of strength as I lifted up a burnt offering to the Lord. It was healing. Little did I know that it was only the first step of many in this healing process.
Those 5 days felt like just 5 hours and all too soon I found myself on a plane, headed back to Albuquerque. I cried as I watched Paul drive away from the airport. I cried all the way through security. I cried on the plane. Would crying ever come to an end? Seriously? But it was only going to be 2 weeks until I saw him again. I could make it, right? We continued our phone marathon, talking every waking moment, plus some.
And we began to talk more openly about our plans, and Paul began to shop for rings, which raised some eyebrows. Those who knew us best counseled us to seek counsel, but most also believed that God was doing a good thing in both of us. It was moving fast, even for us, but we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were smack in the middle of where God wanted us. What we didn’t know is that much of our lives would follow this same pattern. It was just the beginning of the whirlwind.
Stay Tuned for Chapter Ten: I will to I do
We talked several hours later, as he was driving home, and thus begun the phone marathon. Over the next month, we logged over 7500 text messages and over 3500 minutes (Thank goodness we had the same phone carrier, so we had unlimited of each!). By the time I flew to Wichita Falls for the Fourth of July Weekend, we already knew that we were going to be together forever, however, we weren’t quite prepared to share that with everyone else just yet. It was this weekend that I met Paul’s parents and best friends. It was also this weekend that I had the “Zeke Bonfire”. We took an old coffee can, and I burned everything that I had that linked me to Zeke. There was my old journal in which I wrote many of my thoughts and prayers for Zeke and about Zeke. It was the journal he gave me for Christmas. There were some pictures of us, as well as the information we had designed for the “Band”. Paul said nothing, just stood there as my pillar of strength as I lifted up a burnt offering to the Lord. It was healing. Little did I know that it was only the first step of many in this healing process.
Those 5 days felt like just 5 hours and all too soon I found myself on a plane, headed back to Albuquerque. I cried as I watched Paul drive away from the airport. I cried all the way through security. I cried on the plane. Would crying ever come to an end? Seriously? But it was only going to be 2 weeks until I saw him again. I could make it, right? We continued our phone marathon, talking every waking moment, plus some.
And we began to talk more openly about our plans, and Paul began to shop for rings, which raised some eyebrows. Those who knew us best counseled us to seek counsel, but most also believed that God was doing a good thing in both of us. It was moving fast, even for us, but we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were smack in the middle of where God wanted us. What we didn’t know is that much of our lives would follow this same pattern. It was just the beginning of the whirlwind.
Stay Tuned for Chapter Ten: I will to I do
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Chapter Eight: When God Changed His Mind
"For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow."
~Lamentations 3:31-33
It was the Thursday night before Memorial Day weekend, and I was preparing for a quick getaway to San Francisco to see Grandma Sharon. I was leaving directly after work on Friday, and coming back late on Monday night, and I was really looking forward to the break. As I was finishing up some laundry and getting my bags packed, I had my computer up and was chatting with some friends in Phoenix. Suddenly there was a message from him. After weeks of nothing, no emails, calls, texts, NOTHING, there it was sitting on my screen. "Hi", was all it said. The roller coaster car zoomed to the top of my heart and I dared to hope, yet again. Maybe he had finally seen the truth. Maybe he was jealous of Paul's attention. Maybe he was ready to come back. Maybe.....
I responded and asked how he was. I don't remember the exact conversation, but it went along the lines of he was feeling a little down and listening to some songs and he missed me. He sent me the mp3s of the songs, and they all had some kind of message about "I made the biggest mistake of my life", or "I miss you", or "Would you take me back?". As I sat there at my desk, I just began sobbing, my hearts wound ripping open afresh. He said nothing else; just sent the songs and disappeared. I screamed at the computer. I wanted to rip out the cords and throw it out the window. WHY?!??! How could he do this to me...AGAIN??? And again the roller coaster car hit the bottom.
In the midst of my outbreak, Paul called me. I tried to pull myself together, to no avail. I just cried and cried as I told him what Zeke had just done and how I was so tired of this ride, and that I didn't know if I could fight anymore. Paul listened, empathized, and then he challenged me.
Actually, it was more like a bet.
"You should turn off both of your cell phones and leave your laptop here," he said. "Can you handle that? I just think that you need to take some time with Daddy God and hear from Him." Now, I'm probably one of the most competitive people in the world, and I wasn't about to admit that this would be one of the hardest challenges of my life.
[As a side note, I've learned since that my "life language" is Influencer, who's greatest need is CONNECTION, so to be disconnected from everyone back home was HUGE].
I talked to Paul all the way to the airport, all the way to the gate, and up until they closed the gate, and then I had to turn the phone off. As the screen went black, my heart hurt for Paul.
WHAT?!?!?!?! Paul? Could it be? Why did I miss him? What about Zeke? It was one of the longest plane rides as I cried to the Lord for some answers. Had I strayed? Was I headed the wrong direction? Was I "cheating" on Zeke? What was going on?
When Grandma picked me up from the airport, we headed toward dinner, and immediately dove into conversation about relationships. I spilled my heart about Zeke and Paul and how I was so sure about Zeke that I don't know how to interpret my feelings for Paul. And with the wisdom of the ages, she simply said, "Why are you wasting your time on a man who can't decide if he loves you when you have an amazing man who is sweet, thoughtful, and obviously smitten with you?" It was the million dollar question.
Whenever I spent time with Grandma, I would sleep in the 5th wheeler. It was my own little apartment, and this weekend it became my sanctuary. I slept little, read the Bible some, and prayed like fire was raining from the sky and the earth was about to eat me up. On Sunday morning, I was sitting in Grandpa's old leather rocking chair, holding my Bible to my chest, quietly yearning for a word from God. And then it came. "It is finished." With these three words, all striving ceased and peace wrapped around my heart, and I felt completely released. I was free! IT was as if God plucked me right out of the roller coaster and set my feet on solid ground. Joy bubbled out and for the first time in months I was happy, giddy in love and flitting about like a school girl with her first crush. I couldn't wait to see Paul on Monday night, and Zeke quickly faded into the background.
It was sudden. It was beautiful. It was surprising. It was the beginning of a new journey....when God changed His mind.
Next time on As the Heart Turns, Chapter Nine: "Not a Shotgun!!!"
~Lamentations 3:31-33
It was the Thursday night before Memorial Day weekend, and I was preparing for a quick getaway to San Francisco to see Grandma Sharon. I was leaving directly after work on Friday, and coming back late on Monday night, and I was really looking forward to the break. As I was finishing up some laundry and getting my bags packed, I had my computer up and was chatting with some friends in Phoenix. Suddenly there was a message from him. After weeks of nothing, no emails, calls, texts, NOTHING, there it was sitting on my screen. "Hi", was all it said. The roller coaster car zoomed to the top of my heart and I dared to hope, yet again. Maybe he had finally seen the truth. Maybe he was jealous of Paul's attention. Maybe he was ready to come back. Maybe.....
I responded and asked how he was. I don't remember the exact conversation, but it went along the lines of he was feeling a little down and listening to some songs and he missed me. He sent me the mp3s of the songs, and they all had some kind of message about "I made the biggest mistake of my life", or "I miss you", or "Would you take me back?". As I sat there at my desk, I just began sobbing, my hearts wound ripping open afresh. He said nothing else; just sent the songs and disappeared. I screamed at the computer. I wanted to rip out the cords and throw it out the window. WHY?!??! How could he do this to me...AGAIN??? And again the roller coaster car hit the bottom.
In the midst of my outbreak, Paul called me. I tried to pull myself together, to no avail. I just cried and cried as I told him what Zeke had just done and how I was so tired of this ride, and that I didn't know if I could fight anymore. Paul listened, empathized, and then he challenged me.
Actually, it was more like a bet.
"You should turn off both of your cell phones and leave your laptop here," he said. "Can you handle that? I just think that you need to take some time with Daddy God and hear from Him." Now, I'm probably one of the most competitive people in the world, and I wasn't about to admit that this would be one of the hardest challenges of my life.
[As a side note, I've learned since that my "life language" is Influencer, who's greatest need is CONNECTION, so to be disconnected from everyone back home was HUGE].
I talked to Paul all the way to the airport, all the way to the gate, and up until they closed the gate, and then I had to turn the phone off. As the screen went black, my heart hurt for Paul.
WHAT?!?!?!?! Paul? Could it be? Why did I miss him? What about Zeke? It was one of the longest plane rides as I cried to the Lord for some answers. Had I strayed? Was I headed the wrong direction? Was I "cheating" on Zeke? What was going on?
When Grandma picked me up from the airport, we headed toward dinner, and immediately dove into conversation about relationships. I spilled my heart about Zeke and Paul and how I was so sure about Zeke that I don't know how to interpret my feelings for Paul. And with the wisdom of the ages, she simply said, "Why are you wasting your time on a man who can't decide if he loves you when you have an amazing man who is sweet, thoughtful, and obviously smitten with you?" It was the million dollar question.
Whenever I spent time with Grandma, I would sleep in the 5th wheeler. It was my own little apartment, and this weekend it became my sanctuary. I slept little, read the Bible some, and prayed like fire was raining from the sky and the earth was about to eat me up. On Sunday morning, I was sitting in Grandpa's old leather rocking chair, holding my Bible to my chest, quietly yearning for a word from God. And then it came. "It is finished." With these three words, all striving ceased and peace wrapped around my heart, and I felt completely released. I was free! IT was as if God plucked me right out of the roller coaster and set my feet on solid ground. Joy bubbled out and for the first time in months I was happy, giddy in love and flitting about like a school girl with her first crush. I couldn't wait to see Paul on Monday night, and Zeke quickly faded into the background.
It was sudden. It was beautiful. It was surprising. It was the beginning of a new journey....when God changed His mind.
Next time on As the Heart Turns, Chapter Nine: "Not a Shotgun!!!"
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Chapter Seven: On Point
"God often turns us on the heels of crisis to pivot us toward the path of our destiny."
~Beth Moore in Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman
~Beth Moore in Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman
Beth Moore tells the story of her bird dog who also "points" at squirrels. When she and her husband are walking with the dog, it will suddenly stop and go "on point" when a squirrel is nearby. In order for them to continue the walk, her husband must pick the dog up and turn it in the direction they are walking. Only then can the walk proceed as planned. She likens us to the dog. Sometimes we are walking along when a "crisis" hits and we freeze and get stuck. It is in this time that God will pick us up and "pivot us toward the path of our destiny".
It was early May, and our church was about half-way through a "50 day Revival" with several of our sister churches. These churches were joining together, calling out to the Lord to revive our city and turn our hearts back to Him! Services were 4-5 days a week at Destiny Church, and we all pitched in with worship, ushering, prayer, whatever it took to keep this thing running. The worship team from my church had at least 1 turn a week, but I still went every night. If there was anything I needed, it was some "revival". My heart still hurt, a lot. I still cried just about every night. I still played on the worship team with Zeke, and that really sucked. But I was starting to stand again. Maybe the first couple pieces of my Jenga life were being re-shaped. I was meeting new friends and laughing again for the first time in a long time. One of these new friends was Paul.
Paul was a member of Destiny Church, and I had seen him with some of my friends, but I didn't know who he was. In fact, I really didn't make an effort to know who he was since I was still in love with Zeke and I thought that he was dating the youth minister, Rachel, at Destiny. One evening after service, I was talking to Rachel, and Paul was standing there. Rather than be rude, I introduced myself, made some small talk and went along my merry way thinking nothing of it.
A couple days later, I arrived at the church about an hour early due to a miscommunication regarding service times. I was really wanting to change clothes, and I didn't really want to drive home, but Paul convinced me that I should go home, and he and Rachel would come with me. I thought, "Why not? We have the time." Paul sat in the back seat, Rachel in the front, and we chatted all the way to the house. I'm pretty sure that I mentioned Zeke at that time, and that I was "unavailable", but only in passing.
Over the next couple weeks, Paul, Rachel, and several others went out after every service. One night, Paul and I exchanged phone numbers and we began hanging out, even when there wasn't a service. He quickly became one of my new best friends, and while I wasn't initially attracted to him, I felt safe. I think that I told him at least 4 times that "my heart belongs to Zeke", and Paul respected that, saying nothing. We sat together each night at church, and he would place his arm on the back of my chair. Sometimes I would feel guilty, other times I wanted Zeke to see it, to make him feel what I felt in April, but mostly I just felt safe. I felt so safe, that I let Paul talk me into a trip to the top of Sandia Peak, this time driving around the back side of the mountain. We took his truck, and some extra blankets, and made the 45 minute trek. When we arrived at the top, we parked and walked to the lookout point. It was darker than dark, but the city lights shone bright. I stood there, shivering, looking back to that same house where my heart still lingered. I said nothing, but my heart screamed "I miss you, Zeke. Why aren't you here with me?" Paul and I walked quietly back to the truck where we laid in the bed wrapped in blankets staring into the sky littered with stars shooting across the blackness. I don't remember much of what was said, but I remember cuddling up to Paul to get warm. His arms felt so good, but the chaos in my heart and mind was out of control. I ached for Zeke. I wanted him. I missed him. I wished it was him laying there with me, instead of Paul.
It was late when we headed back toward my apartment. The ride was quiet, almost as if Paul knew that my heart was bleeding and that nothing could stop it. He didn't speak until we were sitting at the stoplight in front of my place. "Are you convinced that you are going to get back together with this guy?" he asked, with more than the question in his voice. "I am absolutely convinced," I replied. "God promised me." That was all we would say that night. By that time, the light had changed. Paul dropped me off, and I walked up the stairs to my empty apartment, more confused than I had ever been.
Stay tuned for "When God changed His mind"
It was early May, and our church was about half-way through a "50 day Revival" with several of our sister churches. These churches were joining together, calling out to the Lord to revive our city and turn our hearts back to Him! Services were 4-5 days a week at Destiny Church, and we all pitched in with worship, ushering, prayer, whatever it took to keep this thing running. The worship team from my church had at least 1 turn a week, but I still went every night. If there was anything I needed, it was some "revival". My heart still hurt, a lot. I still cried just about every night. I still played on the worship team with Zeke, and that really sucked. But I was starting to stand again. Maybe the first couple pieces of my Jenga life were being re-shaped. I was meeting new friends and laughing again for the first time in a long time. One of these new friends was Paul.
Paul was a member of Destiny Church, and I had seen him with some of my friends, but I didn't know who he was. In fact, I really didn't make an effort to know who he was since I was still in love with Zeke and I thought that he was dating the youth minister, Rachel, at Destiny. One evening after service, I was talking to Rachel, and Paul was standing there. Rather than be rude, I introduced myself, made some small talk and went along my merry way thinking nothing of it.
A couple days later, I arrived at the church about an hour early due to a miscommunication regarding service times. I was really wanting to change clothes, and I didn't really want to drive home, but Paul convinced me that I should go home, and he and Rachel would come with me. I thought, "Why not? We have the time." Paul sat in the back seat, Rachel in the front, and we chatted all the way to the house. I'm pretty sure that I mentioned Zeke at that time, and that I was "unavailable", but only in passing.
Over the next couple weeks, Paul, Rachel, and several others went out after every service. One night, Paul and I exchanged phone numbers and we began hanging out, even when there wasn't a service. He quickly became one of my new best friends, and while I wasn't initially attracted to him, I felt safe. I think that I told him at least 4 times that "my heart belongs to Zeke", and Paul respected that, saying nothing. We sat together each night at church, and he would place his arm on the back of my chair. Sometimes I would feel guilty, other times I wanted Zeke to see it, to make him feel what I felt in April, but mostly I just felt safe. I felt so safe, that I let Paul talk me into a trip to the top of Sandia Peak, this time driving around the back side of the mountain. We took his truck, and some extra blankets, and made the 45 minute trek. When we arrived at the top, we parked and walked to the lookout point. It was darker than dark, but the city lights shone bright. I stood there, shivering, looking back to that same house where my heart still lingered. I said nothing, but my heart screamed "I miss you, Zeke. Why aren't you here with me?" Paul and I walked quietly back to the truck where we laid in the bed wrapped in blankets staring into the sky littered with stars shooting across the blackness. I don't remember much of what was said, but I remember cuddling up to Paul to get warm. His arms felt so good, but the chaos in my heart and mind was out of control. I ached for Zeke. I wanted him. I missed him. I wished it was him laying there with me, instead of Paul.
It was late when we headed back toward my apartment. The ride was quiet, almost as if Paul knew that my heart was bleeding and that nothing could stop it. He didn't speak until we were sitting at the stoplight in front of my place. "Are you convinced that you are going to get back together with this guy?" he asked, with more than the question in his voice. "I am absolutely convinced," I replied. "God promised me." That was all we would say that night. By that time, the light had changed. Paul dropped me off, and I walked up the stairs to my empty apartment, more confused than I had ever been.
Stay tuned for "When God changed His mind"
Chapter Six: A Crisis of Faith
***Excerpt 2 from my journal***
There's so much chaos in my heart. I just want to hear from you, Lord, to hide in You. I'm sitting on the floor at the foot of the cross where I want to be, where I need to be. So, Lord, will you be here? Will you hear my heart's cry? Lord, you know that more than anything my heart is to serve you....
I've tried my whole life to be righteous; to live a life that is pleasing to you, and I've failed so many times, every time. And while I've preached so many times and believed that it's not about what I do or if I fall, but rather about who I am, I still fall into the same traps...the lies that I've disappointed you, and that's why I'm less than others and I'm struggling through life. Why do I get so defensive? All because I've been trying to be perfect, and I can't. My faith is so weak; my tongue is unbridled, and I'm having the hardest time trusting you. Even though I want to...trust that you really do have everything under control, I can't.
I'm scared, Lord. I'm scared that I've already screwed everything up. I'm scared that I can't really hear you. I'm scared that you can't use me. I'm scared to believe that you really do love me, that you really do want me, that you really do know everything that's in my heart...
Why does my heart waiver? Why is it that I can't believe you [about Zeke]? I'm still so scared that I'm missing your will. I'm scared to ask for confirmations because I know that doubt displeases you, yet I need one. I don't want to doubt. I wish my faith were stronger, but all the wishing in the world isn't helping me to stand. I know that my hope is in you and not in Zeke, but I'm discouraged. I know that your thoughts and plans are not mine...but it's hard to wait. It's hard to be strong. It's hard to see others' promises being fulfilled while mine seem sooooooooooooo distant. Trying to be happy for them while my broken heart screams is nearly impossible. It's so hard to believe, because I automatically believe there's something wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong. I'm not good enough. And God, I'm so tired; tired of working so hard just to fall flat on my face. These are your promises. This is your ministry. This is your life. SO why is it so hard? You said that you would do it; that you would hasten to perform your word....so will you? I'm 27 years old, and so far from where I thought I should be...I feel like I've done nothing. Lord, when??? When can I be married? When I can walk into the destiny you have for me? When will I see your promises fulfilled?
You know I'm not trying to complain....I'm ready for you to do it. I'm ready to lay it all down again. I'm tired of fighting so hard...can I rest? I'm tired of trying to figure it out...can you make it better?
Stay tuned for "On Point"
There's so much chaos in my heart. I just want to hear from you, Lord, to hide in You. I'm sitting on the floor at the foot of the cross where I want to be, where I need to be. So, Lord, will you be here? Will you hear my heart's cry? Lord, you know that more than anything my heart is to serve you....
I've tried my whole life to be righteous; to live a life that is pleasing to you, and I've failed so many times, every time. And while I've preached so many times and believed that it's not about what I do or if I fall, but rather about who I am, I still fall into the same traps...the lies that I've disappointed you, and that's why I'm less than others and I'm struggling through life. Why do I get so defensive? All because I've been trying to be perfect, and I can't. My faith is so weak; my tongue is unbridled, and I'm having the hardest time trusting you. Even though I want to...trust that you really do have everything under control, I can't.
I'm scared, Lord. I'm scared that I've already screwed everything up. I'm scared that I can't really hear you. I'm scared that you can't use me. I'm scared to believe that you really do love me, that you really do want me, that you really do know everything that's in my heart...
Why does my heart waiver? Why is it that I can't believe you [about Zeke]? I'm still so scared that I'm missing your will. I'm scared to ask for confirmations because I know that doubt displeases you, yet I need one. I don't want to doubt. I wish my faith were stronger, but all the wishing in the world isn't helping me to stand. I know that my hope is in you and not in Zeke, but I'm discouraged. I know that your thoughts and plans are not mine...but it's hard to wait. It's hard to be strong. It's hard to see others' promises being fulfilled while mine seem sooooooooooooo distant. Trying to be happy for them while my broken heart screams is nearly impossible. It's so hard to believe, because I automatically believe there's something wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong. I'm not good enough. And God, I'm so tired; tired of working so hard just to fall flat on my face. These are your promises. This is your ministry. This is your life. SO why is it so hard? You said that you would do it; that you would hasten to perform your word....so will you? I'm 27 years old, and so far from where I thought I should be...I feel like I've done nothing. Lord, when??? When can I be married? When I can walk into the destiny you have for me? When will I see your promises fulfilled?
You know I'm not trying to complain....I'm ready for you to do it. I'm ready to lay it all down again. I'm tired of fighting so hard...can I rest? I'm tired of trying to figure it out...can you make it better?
Stay tuned for "On Point"
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