The day I had waited for my whole life was finally here. You know, the one you dream about when you're a little girl when your prince charming comes riding in to save you from a life of loneliness? After 26 long years of wondering what was wrong with or why I couldn't be married and all the stigmas that go with a young single woman, I had finally met the man of my dreams. We'll call him Zeke (an alias to shield his identity).
It was long in coming. I survived "Bridal College" (you know Bible schools where girls are more concerned with snagging a Christian man rather than getting a quality education) without as much as a single date. I survived a ministry position during which my title was Rev. Christi, our "single worship director". I had many crushes, and wanted to date several people, but never did. I tried, believe me, I tried. I would start down the dating road, only to be detoured by a gracious and wonderful Father. But finally, after many tears and questions, and conversations with Abba, I had a boyfriend.
I first met Zeke's brother and sister-in-law (We'll call them Ben and Jill). Ben, Jill and I were all on the worship team at our church, and they were very, very talented musicians and worshipers. Then one day, they approached me to be join their efforts to start a worship band. Ben played a mean bass and guitar, Jill was an amazing vocalist, I would play keys, Zeke would be our drummer, and their sister Kelly would join as another vocalist. We began with many dreams and visions and were off to a great start, with a few original songs in the studio, a couple events scheduled, and relationships developing. Relationships including mine with Zeke.
We hit it off immediately. Not only is he an outstanding drummer, like none I've seen or heard before or since, but he is an amazing graphic artist. Handsome, funny, and open, we fell very much in love very quickly. We had so much in common, from music, to the Lord, to our dreams for the future. Every waking moment was spent together or with his family, and it was not long before we started talking marriage. In fact, we had set a tentative date, pending his discussion with my father, and he was looking for rings. His parents were talking about the wedding and plans were underway for us to start looking for houses. I was living my dream. Not only was I in love with an amazing man who loved me, but I was finally getting a chance to move into worship ministry, my passion and gifting. Life was great.
Then I took a brief vacation. A friend was getting married, and I was performing the ceremony, so I jetted back to Tulsa for the festivities. Even when I was gone, we spent every extra minute on the phone, and all my friends were laughing at how giddy I was. I was absolutely glowing as I told of my own wedding to come. My heart was finally at rest in the love of my boyfriend, my love, Zeke. But all of that would change when I returned home, and within a week all of it came to a sudden halt.
Stay tuned for Chapter Two: Emoticons and Devastation
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Breaking Up isn't as Glamorous on Main St
I had a dream. It wasn't just any dream, but the kind that woke me up from a dead sleep with my mind racing and my heart pounding and a revelation that there was another layer of pain that God was peeling from a very broken heart.
It was just about 3 years ago when my whole world crashed at my feet, and my heart shattered and everything that I thought I knew about life, love, God and my destiny became a bottomless pit of emptiness and questions without answers.
So here's my story. Because it's so long, and because I really want people to read my blog more than just once (hahaha), I'll be breaking it up into "chapters". I tell it, not for revenge or sympathy, but because I know that writing it is part of the healing that God is working on, and that by talking about it, I can process it. I've decided not to spare any details, but to be completely honest about everything, my part, his part, God's part. I will use an alias for the ex, because this is not about him, but about God's faithfulness and amazing love and grace and His healing power that sets a heart free and mends the broken places.
It is my sincere hope that God will wrap His love around your hearts and minister to you as only He can, and that you will find "Beauty from Pain".
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
~Psalm 34:18
***as a note to those who know me and thought that my last post was about my marriage, there is nothing to worry about...I am still very happily married and blessed with the most amazing husband ever (a later chapter in the story) and he is completely supportive of me writing this story****
It was just about 3 years ago when my whole world crashed at my feet, and my heart shattered and everything that I thought I knew about life, love, God and my destiny became a bottomless pit of emptiness and questions without answers.
So here's my story. Because it's so long, and because I really want people to read my blog more than just once (hahaha), I'll be breaking it up into "chapters". I tell it, not for revenge or sympathy, but because I know that writing it is part of the healing that God is working on, and that by talking about it, I can process it. I've decided not to spare any details, but to be completely honest about everything, my part, his part, God's part. I will use an alias for the ex, because this is not about him, but about God's faithfulness and amazing love and grace and His healing power that sets a heart free and mends the broken places.
It is my sincere hope that God will wrap His love around your hearts and minister to you as only He can, and that you will find "Beauty from Pain".
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
~Psalm 34:18
***as a note to those who know me and thought that my last post was about my marriage, there is nothing to worry about...I am still very happily married and blessed with the most amazing husband ever (a later chapter in the story) and he is completely supportive of me writing this story****
Friday, January 9, 2009
Beauty from Pain
The lights go out all around me
On last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from pain.
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
Here I am, at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise, there will be a dawn....
(C) 2005 DJ Spacemonkey Music - Superchick from the album "Beauty From Pain"
stay tuned for..."Breaking up isn't as glamorous on Main St"
Sunday, November 30, 2008
God's Involvement with Mankind....
I've been pondering the meaning of sovereignty and how it relates to God. The word "sovereignty" is not in the Bible anywhere. In fact, only the word "sovereign" is used in the NIV addressing God as "Sovereign Lord" where other translations say "Lord Most High".
Now, I am not questioning that He is Sovereign. In fact, I believe that He is still on His throne, an unshakable throne. It's more a question of application. There are some streams that say that we don't really need to pray because God's will is going to be done regardless. They even take it to the extreme that they won't vote on election day since God is going to put His person in authority anyway, so it doesn't matter. They also explain every bad thing that happens as "God's will". Many in this stream believe that God has predestined those who will go to heaven, so evangelism and missions are "useless". On the opposite side, there are those who believe that God's will can be changed by prayer, fasting and our free will, and that while God is sovereign, He allows humans to make choices. All choices have consequences, some good, some bad, but consequences nonetheless. Both sides have scriptural support. And this is the dilemma. God is not divided, so there has to be someway to reconcile God's sovereignty with our free will.
I don't really know the answer, so I"m sure that this will be an ongoing journey.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary online defines sovereignty as:
sov·er·eign·ty
Sovereign is further defined as "one that exercises supreme authority within a limited sphere [or] an acknowledged leader"
I love that God is "free from external control". This means that nothing can change the fact that He is still on His throne! The economic "woes" of this country have not surprised Him. The results of the election did not surprise Him. He is not moved by the tides of "change" in our world. But, and I do mean "BUT", I believe with all my heart that God's heart is 100% toward people, not just His people, but EVERY single person on this planet. And I believe that when His people pray, He is moved with compassion and stretches out His hand in love and mercy, and that He will turn away from His wrath. I believe His mercy trumps His judgment, but He always remains just, which is a mystery.
So I pose this question to you....what are your thoughts?
Now, I am not questioning that He is Sovereign. In fact, I believe that He is still on His throne, an unshakable throne. It's more a question of application. There are some streams that say that we don't really need to pray because God's will is going to be done regardless. They even take it to the extreme that they won't vote on election day since God is going to put His person in authority anyway, so it doesn't matter. They also explain every bad thing that happens as "God's will". Many in this stream believe that God has predestined those who will go to heaven, so evangelism and missions are "useless". On the opposite side, there are those who believe that God's will can be changed by prayer, fasting and our free will, and that while God is sovereign, He allows humans to make choices. All choices have consequences, some good, some bad, but consequences nonetheless. Both sides have scriptural support. And this is the dilemma. God is not divided, so there has to be someway to reconcile God's sovereignty with our free will.
I don't really know the answer, so I"m sure that this will be an ongoing journey.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary online defines sovereignty as:
sov·er·eign·ty
Sovereign is further defined as "one that exercises supreme authority within a limited sphere [or] an acknowledged leader"
I love that God is "free from external control". This means that nothing can change the fact that He is still on His throne! The economic "woes" of this country have not surprised Him. The results of the election did not surprise Him. He is not moved by the tides of "change" in our world. But, and I do mean "BUT", I believe with all my heart that God's heart is 100% toward people, not just His people, but EVERY single person on this planet. And I believe that when His people pray, He is moved with compassion and stretches out His hand in love and mercy, and that He will turn away from His wrath. I believe His mercy trumps His judgment, but He always remains just, which is a mystery.
So I pose this question to you....what are your thoughts?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Why?
The three letter word with more umph than a 95 mph fastball...
So I found myself looking over some facebook profiles of acquaintances and asking "why do their lives seem so great? I wish...." Then I stopped myself, or maybe the Holy Spirit stopped me (it was probably Him, cuz' I'm just not that smart). Why is it that we, as humans, tend to look longingly at someone else's situation and assume that it's so much greater than ours? We think, "I wish my husband were like that" or "I wish I knew people all over the world" or "I should have that job" or "I'm just as anointed" (that one's a scary one- yikes!). Yet, we never really know what their life is truly like. AND more perplexing still is the simple fact that if we were to spend as much energy seeking the Lord and walking in His perfect path for our lives, our life would be so great that nothing else would seem desirable. OUCH!
I think (and I know I've blogged about this before) that we get our "desires" so twisted sometimes. We think that we'll be fulfilled if only our husbands are perfect, or we have beautiful children, or if we have a title at work or in the church, and we completely miss that HE is EVERYTHING that we need, and that our ONLY true fulfillment comes in HIM.
Lord, I repent for looking to others to satisfy my heart, for striving to find fulfillment in the things of this world, and overlooking your arms that remain so wide open. Thank you for your gracious reminders that you really do have my best interests in mind, and that your ways and your timing are PERFECT! There is none like you, for you truly are a great and amazing Father! I love you, Lord.....
So I found myself looking over some facebook profiles of acquaintances and asking "why do their lives seem so great? I wish...." Then I stopped myself, or maybe the Holy Spirit stopped me (it was probably Him, cuz' I'm just not that smart). Why is it that we, as humans, tend to look longingly at someone else's situation and assume that it's so much greater than ours? We think, "I wish my husband were like that" or "I wish I knew people all over the world" or "I should have that job" or "I'm just as anointed" (that one's a scary one- yikes!). Yet, we never really know what their life is truly like. AND more perplexing still is the simple fact that if we were to spend as much energy seeking the Lord and walking in His perfect path for our lives, our life would be so great that nothing else would seem desirable. OUCH!
I think (and I know I've blogged about this before) that we get our "desires" so twisted sometimes. We think that we'll be fulfilled if only our husbands are perfect, or we have beautiful children, or if we have a title at work or in the church, and we completely miss that HE is EVERYTHING that we need, and that our ONLY true fulfillment comes in HIM.
Lord, I repent for looking to others to satisfy my heart, for striving to find fulfillment in the things of this world, and overlooking your arms that remain so wide open. Thank you for your gracious reminders that you really do have my best interests in mind, and that your ways and your timing are PERFECT! There is none like you, for you truly are a great and amazing Father! I love you, Lord.....
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I think I need a nap....
Other than my delinquency in updating my blog, more signs have surfaced that maybe I'm suffering from brain overload. Most recently, 5 seconds ago....
It's 9:33pm, and I'm sitting at my desk with my laptop, trying to get caught up on some work that I'm MUY behind on, and my lips are feeling a little chapped.
I'm surrounded by all of my scrapbooking supplies, because it's my goal to play more and work less.
Do you see where this is going???
I just picked up my glue stick and almost used it as chapstick. Thank you Jesus for stopping me from that fiasco!!!
***shaking my head***
It's 9:33pm, and I'm sitting at my desk with my laptop, trying to get caught up on some work that I'm MUY behind on, and my lips are feeling a little chapped.
I'm surrounded by all of my scrapbooking supplies, because it's my goal to play more and work less.
Do you see where this is going???
I just picked up my glue stick and almost used it as chapstick. Thank you Jesus for stopping me from that fiasco!!!
***shaking my head***
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