Poetry and Prose, but mostly Poppycock

One of those authors....

2011-03-23T12:17:00.000-07:00

There are very few authors that move me to the very core like Francine Rivers does. She is amazing, and every book I have read has brought me closer to the Lord! I'm so excited about this compilation coming out...check out the link!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/CSS-Virtual-Book-Tour-Francine-Rivers-Sons-of-Encouragement-5-in-1/198750670146525

Happy Reading, my friends!

The Faithfulness of God

2011-02-11T09:01:00.000-08:00

Nearly 4 months ago, Paul changed his name to Abraham, and stepped out into a season of unknowns simply because God said, "Go to a place I will show you." He left his job of over 5 years, and embarked on a journey through unemployment, pressing into the Lord, seeking His face, and listening for the next step. 2 months ago, Paul emailed a CEO of a company in the area, indicating his interest in the company and looking to maybe pick his brain a little bit, and within half an hour he had a response. This was the beginning of a new relationship, and as of yesterday, employment!
Was it easy? NO! Was it worth it? ABSOLUTELY! God grew both of us in so many ways, and His faithfulness was always present, even down to providing a little extra money for us to celebrate our anniversary.
And now it's a new season, one with a new routine and new challenges (including an 85 mile roundtrip commute for Paul), but this I know - "I've never seen the righteous forsaken". God is faithful...isn't He amazing?

February 2011 is here?

2011-02-03T19:22:00.000-08:00

I still have a hard time believing that it's 2011, and yet it's already February. And boy, has February come in with a bang! We've been iced-in since Tuesday (2/1) when an ice storm hit, leaving an inch or two of ice on all of our roads, followed by plummeting temperatures, which has kept the ice around. This has resulted in most of us staying home, working, playing, trying to stay warm amidst rolling blackouts (in most areas - our house was spared - Thank you, Jesus!).
It's been a fun week, and productive -
And we know this, God is up to something - in our lives, in the world (just look at all the craziness in Egypt, Yemen, Jordan, Tunisia and Lebanon). Let's embrace His move!

The End of January, what??

2011-01-20T19:46:00.000-08:00

So today I looked up from my desk and noticed that it is already January 20th. What? Wasn't it just Christmas last week? Wasn't I supposed to start that diet on January 1st? I've exercised once so far, does that count?
As this year embarks, there are more questions than answers. It feels a bit like we are Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade, stepping out into a chasm hoping and praying that there is a hidden rock bridge. It's exciting, it's scary, it's fun.
So, who knows where we will be at this time next year. This is our hope - that we are closer to the Lord, and more in love with each other.
Best wishes for you and yours......

It's time for Christmas Cards....

2010-11-16T16:50:00.000-08:00

It's that time again...although I can't really believe it. Maybe I don't want to believe it?
There was a time when every Christmas entailed the required "update letter", with all of the boring details of our lives crammed into a measly page, stuffed into a generic card. Then came the photo card, which took the writing out of Christmas, and kept it to a picture and holiday wish. This year.....this year will be different. Shutterfly (who has been my go-to online resource for Christmas photo cards and gifts) now offers a "Christmas story card"....actually, hundreds of these cards (click here for their story card selection). Of course, they also have hundreds of standard photo cards and other photo gifts such as calendars. The thing I love about Shutterfly is that they are competitively priced, always on time, and their product is amazing. All that scrapbooking I do? Pictures are provided courtesy of none other than Shutterfly.
In the interest of keeping the design a surprise, I'm not going to post my final version here. But, I'm confident that after looking at the site, you will know that they're going to be beautiful!

Bloggers get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly… sign up: http://bit.ly/sfly2010

Through the Lens...

2010-07-17T15:35:00.000-07:00

On our trip to Colorado, we had to drive for hours through northwest Texas. BORING! I have driven through this part of the country several times, and have struggled to stay awake. I think they call it the "plains" for a reason. Flat lands, with nothing but miles and miles of land and sky. As we started driving, I decided to get my camera and play around. The weather was beautiful, low 80's, sunny with some clouds, so we were driving with the windows down. And I started just snapping random shots.

What I discovered is beauty in the plains.

I wondered how many times in my life I've missed beauty because I wasn't taking the time to look for it. And how many times have I considered something "plain" that was full of beauty?
Oh to have His eyes...

" And his eye sees every precious thing. " ~ Job 28:10b

Why Not Me? Why Not Now?

2010-06-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

So, I've never really opened up about the subject of child-bearing, or the struggles we've encountered so far, and really, I'm not sure that I am quite ready to broach that topic. Suffice it to say, that we want babies, as soon as God will give them to us, and initial reports from the doctors are not encouraging.
I choose to trust the Lord implicitly, because He is GOOD, always GOOD, and because He has always proven faithful in my life, and because His timing is perfect, and His ways are not my ways, and He knows all the days He has numbered for me, and for my children.
This trust, however, does not negate the little twinge in my heart when I hear stories like this one I read today on FoxNews. A mother killed her 6 month old son because she thought he might be showing signs of Autism, and was afraid that it would "ruin" her life. So she just killed him, left him in the crib, and went downstairs to plan a vacation with her husband. It wasn't until early the next morning that the gravity of what she had done hit her, and now she's sorry. Is she sorry she killed him? Or sorry she got caught? That's really not the point. The point is, this woman had a beautiful child, who was perfectly healthy according to all of his doctors, and she threw it away because it was inconvenient for her. And yet, here I am, wanting a baby almost as much as I want to breathe, but haven't been able to have one yet.
Why not me? Why can't I have had that precious little one? I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't kill him while he slept.
I know I'm not alone. There are thousands of women who have babies and treat them like garbage, and there are thousands more who shed innumerable tears of sadness as their barrenness echoes in the deepest grief of a heart.
I guess it's one of those things I'll never understand. Good thing that God does, and He has a plan, and it's PERFECT. If if not now, then He has something He's doing in me to prepare me for the "when".

"You're amazing God, You're amazing God, You can bear the weight of every heavy heart. You can heal the pain, You can clean the stain, you can turn our tears into songs of praise. You're amazing God!"

Wouldn't this be cool?

2010-05-28T16:56:00.001-07:00

http://freeafricatrip.com/?fbid=n73Yy3W4HxG

Promises Promises Promises

2010-05-03T19:29:00.001-07:00

I just love creative the Lord is, and how beautiful a rainbow is. There are few things that are as awe inspiring as a beautiful rainbow, a sign of His promises. Here are some pics of the rainbow just over our neighborhood tonight! Notice the Double rainbow! My camera couldn't quite capture the entire thing...but oh so beautiful!

You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.
~Josh 23:14

PET PEEVES!

2010-02-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

Ok, this has been a pet peeve of mine for a long time, but today it's exploding inside of me, so I have to let it out!
Why is it that the worst people I deal with at work are self-proclaimed Christians and ministers? Why is it that a pastor who has a blog and website extolling his work in missional outreach and how he gives seminars teaching Christians to reach out and be relevant to the community is the biggest ARSE in the world? Why do my peers hate handling claims for ministers/pastors? SERIOUSLY??????
What happened to being light? Or loving like Christ loved?
We all get frustrated. We all want to throw a customer service rep out the window a time or two, but what separates us from the rest of the world is our love. Isn't that what Jesus said?
They will know we are Christians by our love......
So, what if instead of being the biggest cheapskates in the world, we tipped our server AT LEAST 15% every time, even if they don't deserve it? What if we stopped taking our frustrations out on the representatives who are trying to help us, and take our issues to the Lord and believe HIM for the favor that we have as children of the King? What if we actually for once lived for God's reputation rather than our own pleasure and comfort? What if......

The Story of Dreams Come True

2010-02-08T19:00:00.000-08:00

The Story of Dreams Come True

I always knew that I would travel to Europe again some day. I always wanted to kiss my love at the Eiffel Tower. Little did I imagine that I would get to do both within just 3 years of being married.
If you had told me in 2006, that I would spend New Years Eve 2009/2010 in Paris, I would have laughed at you. So, how did we get there?
In the faithfulness that only He lives up to, God led my husband to sign us up for Financial Peace University in February 2007, much to my chagrin. The next 13 weeks would radically change our lives and alter the course of our destiny. We learned Kingdom principles for handling money, most of which are counter culture. We shredded our credit cards, put together a budget, and stuck with it, often delaying the "I wants" with the less fun "We don't needs". It was soon after we started this process that my best friends moved to Germany, and invited us to come and visit. Of course my "I WANTS" screamed louder than ever, but with the wisdom of God, Paul simply said, "not now - later". I was mad; I pouted; I was pretty sure Paul was just punishing me for my debt (school loans and a tahoe payment comprised of most of our $77K in debt). But, pretending to be the good wife that I someday hope to be, I submitted to his direction (and the Lord's). We remained faithful, knocking out our debt little by little until we got to June 2009, and we owed $2700.
I got home after a beating of a day, to find my husband grinning from ear to ear, with the excitement of a little boy who just got his first bike. He said nothing, but handed me an envelope. Curiosity got the best of me, and I opened it to find a letter from a relative which stated, "We have been blessed this year, and we want to bless you. Please use the enclosed gift however you would like." But there was nothing enclosed? SO I looked up at Paul, and that's when he handed me the check for....$3000! I was speechless! I choked, sputtered, but no words would come. It was exactly enough to give 10% to the Lord and pay off our debt! We danced around, jumped up and down, and I cried tears of joy. It was then that Paul looked at me and said, "Do you know what this means?" I looked at him, and I screamed "EUROPE!"
So we booked our days, started shopping for tickets and the rest is history. We spent a glorious 3 full weeks exploring Southern Germany, Switzerland and Northern France (and Paris, obviously).
It was magical! It was refreshing! It was life-changing! It was a kiss from God! It was simply a dream come true!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" ~Eph 3:20

MYTunes....an ITunes game

2009-12-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

HOW MANY SONGS? 4645 - and I still haven't sat down and ripped all those CDs into my playlist that I have been wanting to.

SORT BY SONG TITLE:
First: Abba Father by Shaun Groves from Invitation To Eavesdrop
Last: 9 Out Of 10 by Justifide from Life Outside the Toybox

SORT BY TIME:
Longest: may have to come back to this, since I'm on a different computer than my itunes is on, and I can't sort by time on my iPod.
Shortest:

SORT BY ALBUM:
First: Add to the Beauty by Sara Groves
Last: 6.1 by Out of the Grey

TOP 5 MOST PLAYED SONGS:
umm.....I don't play from my itunes very often and I can't find out how to figure it out on my iPod

FIRST SONG THAT COMES UP ON SHUFFLE:
With All My Heart by Out of the Grey from 6.1

SEARCH FOR:
Sex - how many songs come up? 0
Death - how many songs come up? 1
- Life After Death & Taxes by Reliant K
Love - how many songs come up? 258

Play along with me! Open your iTunes and post a comment here... or tag me in a note on Facebook... or if you're a blogger, leave me a trackback!

Our Mountain

2009-06-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

Albuquerque by Night (from Sandia Peak)

The End: GOD is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS Good!

2009-05-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

Last, but certainly not least, I leave you with this. God is Good! Bill Johnson often says “God is always in a good mood”. I once heard a speaker say, “God is infinitely wise and always has our best interests in mind.” If there is nothing else you can stand on, you can stand on this truth. He is unchanging, unwaivering, and unable to lie. God loves you more than you can ever imagine, and His heart’s truest desire is to be close to you. And, it is in these times of seemingly endless darkness that our hearts are wrapped so tightly in His presence. I would never want to experience that kind of heart-wrenching pain again, but I will tell you that I have never felt so close and so loved by the Lord as I was during that time. “He is close to the broken-hearted” (Ps 34:18).
I pray that you will find comfort and rest in His outstretched arms.

Thank you for taking the time to walk this journey with me. I am certain that you are reading this for a reason, and as I bring this final chapter to a close, I pray that God’s ministering to your heart at this very moment. Love and blessings to each one of you, in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory! Amen!

Epilogue Part III: We Only Know (Hear) In Part

2009-05-19T09:27:00.002-07:00

I Cor 13:9-10, 12 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part will be done away…For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I am known.

Perhaps the biggest crisis of faith I have ever encountered (and there have been many) came during the “Zeke” season. I was convinced that I had heard from the Lord, and that I had several promises that I was going to marry Zeke specifically. I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was God’s will for me. So when I sat in San Francisco with my grandma, this crisis came to a head. There was no way to reconcile what I thought I heard and what I was walking. Was I out of God’s will now? Had I missed it completely? And if I had missed God on this, had I ever heard Him about anything?
I spoke to it a bit in the first “lesson”, but I wanted to elaborate a bit more on this point, because it still confuses me a bit, honestly. It becomes a matter of complete blind faith, trusting that God is always faithful. And I really didn’t understand that until just recently, when I was a part of a class at church. In this class we were learning how to hear God’s voice and walk in the gifts of the Spirit (Words of Wisdom, Words of Knowledge, Prophecy, etc). And more than once, our teachers said that regardless of how God speaks to you, it’s important to ask Him for the revelation. Sometimes He’ll give you a word, and you think it means one thing, but it has a totally different meaning for someone else.
For example, you may at the grocery store, and you see someone and hear the name “Sue”. You walk over to her, and her nametag says “Anne”. Do you walk away, believing that you did not hear from God? Or do you stop and talk to her? God may have given you the name of Anne’s sister who is dying from cancer, and God wanted you to pray for her. We hear in part, we know in part, we prophesy in part.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back, I can see that many of the dreams I had, or the “words” I received, were not specific to Zeke, but to my “husband”. I just assumed that it meant Zeke, because he was the one I was with or in love with when the words came. Every single one of those promises came true, just not with Zeke. So, did I miss God? Or did I just hear in part? I believe that I just heard in part, and while I have by no means arrived, I am starting to ask more questions and rest on less assumptions.

Epilogue Part II: Marriage Does Not Eradicate the Pain of Past Rejections

2009-05-19T09:27:00.001-07:00

Whew, this was (and probably still is) a lesson that was hard to come by. In those first few months of marriage, I found myself asking Paul, “Are you sick of me yet?” or “Do you want to leave yet?” He had given me no basis for these insecurities, but somewhere in the deepest part of my heart, I still felt that I was to blame for Zeke leaving me. I must have done something wrong, I just didn’t know what.
Even more surprising was that this rejection didn’t affect only my relationship with Paul, but also my relationship with his family. I realized this over the Thanksgiving holidays just last year. We had just celebrated our second anniversary, and we were hosting the entire family for the holidays. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to make sure everything was perfect. And I was stressin’ big time. Paul kept trying to console me by saying that it didn’t all have to be perfect, but it did. I didn’t know why it did, it just did. As the family arrived, things got more hectic. The only time I had to myself was in the shower. As I stood there with the hot water pouring over me, I prayed for peace. It was then that God revealed what the driver was, and I was shocked. My mother-in-law always says “The issue is never really the issue,” and this was the truth of the moment. I thought that I was just stressed trying to impress the family. But that was not the case.
Just a couple weeks after Paul and I had officially begun dating, Zeke called me out of the blue to see how I was. He felt compelled to tell me about why he ended the relationship, and said, “No one was happy.” I said, “We were happy. Didn’t that count?” And he said, “Well, no one in the family was happy.” And there it was. He broke up with me because his family didn’t like me.
So fast-forward 2 ½ years. I’m stressing out about everything being perfect for the family because rooted deep in my heart is a fear that Paul will leave me if his family doesn’t approve.
Rejection is a sneaky sucker. He will show up in seemingly random places, and affects all aspects of your life. He attacks our very identity. Praise God that Jesus has conquered the devil and all those spirits that he sends our way. And that same Spirit which raised Christ from the dead lives in us! And where the Spirit of the Lord is (inside us) there is FREEDOM!!! Praise God.
Let me just take a minute to pray for you. If you have experienced rejection, or are seeing some after-effects, pray with me.

Lord, I thank You that You say that I have been ACCEPTED into Your family as one of Your children. Father, I have been hurt by ______________ and feel rejected. I know this is not Your plan for me, so right now, I choose to forgive _________ and release him/her completely into Your hands. Now I ask that You will overflow me with Your Spirit, healing every wound caused by this situation. And I renounce the spirit of rejection and its effects in my life. I come into agreement with Your Word that I am a Child of the Most High King, and that Your Spirit lives in me. Thank You for Your freedom at work in my life.
In the precious name of Jesus’, Amen.

Epilogue Part I: Sometimes God Causes Us To Walk In Dark Places

2009-05-19T09:26:00.001-07:00

Yes, I said “causes”. This was by far the most difficult thing to wrap my mind around. I had always been taught that God has “good plans” for us, something about future, hope, and joy, you know the verse. And I believe that He is always good, and always has our best interest in mind. Of this there is NO doubt. But, I have come to discover that this does not mean that everything feels “good” or that we will never experience pain. It is a warped mindset that has been perpetuated in the western church that “claims” only the “pleasant promises” in the word, and then teaches that if you’re not experiencing all good things in your life then you must be weak in your faith, or have committed some sin, or anything else that places blame on you. This is completely contradictory to the Word, which says that He will “lead us into all truth” and that “He makes our paths straight”. So, if I truly believe that He is guiding my every step, then I have no other choice than to believe that He sometimes leads me into dark places.
I will never forget when this started becoming clear. Paul and I were engaged, and I was heading back to Donna’s house (where I stayed for a couple months to save money for the wedding), and I was stopped at a stop light. This street was just about 1 mile from where Zeke lived, and I remember crying out to the Lord, “Why didn’t You keep me from dating Zeke? You always warned me, or directed me, or kept me from making stupid relationship mistakes. Why didn’t you this time? Why did You let me go through so much pain?” And I heard His answer clear as day, “Will you trust me, even if I never tell you why?”
My whole world stopped. There it was, a challenge from the Almighty. Would I trust His sovereignty? Would I trust His heart? Did I truly believe in my heart that His plans are perfect? It drove me into His word, fully expecting to find out that I had just eaten too much green chile, and that God didn’t really say that. Here’s what I found instead (from the NKJV):

Lamentations 3:2, 32 He has led me and made me walk in darkness and not in light...Though He causes grief, Yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For you are with me…

Job 2:9-10 Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!” But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” In all this, Job did not sin.

John 15:20 If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you

John 16:33 In the world you will have tribulation.

I found that God promises that we will have pain in this world. I bet you don’t hear that one “claimed” as much, eh? But He has also promised that He will never leave us or forsake us. So we can walk through those valleys of the shadow of death with confidence that “death” is only a shadow, in the glorious light of His presence.
I can already hear the responses, so let me clarify. Lamentations 3:33 says that the Lord “does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men”. I’m not saying that God causes us harm. There is a difference. It can be subtle, and it can feel like God is inflicting great pain on us, but He is good and merciful and faithful and His love endures forever. So when He leads us, we can be confident that He is leading us in our destiny, purpose and with our best interests in His heart. So how can we tell the difference? I’d like to paint you a picture.

Imagine yourself in the center of the Amazon jungle. The undergrowth is thick, and the canopy of the rich rain forest block any sign of the outside world, including the sun, moon or stars. It’s dark. It’s very dark. But you are walking. You have a guide, and he’s warned you of the potential dangers in the forest, which include, but are not limited to, wild animals, poisonous plants, quicksand, getting lost, or even an encounter with an cannibalistic tribe. But he has promised that if you stick close to him, he will take you to the most beautiful and rich land, full of promise. You have agreed to take the journey, convinced that the end is worth the risks of the trip. Suddenly you trip over an exposed root, falling face first into a patch of poisonous leaves. The itching begins immediately, driving you to a point of insanity. Your guide kneels down into the same patch of leaves, takes your arm and lifts you to your feet. He reaches into his backpack, and pulls out a bottle of some salve that you really don’t want to know about, and begins to apply it to the hives that have covered your exposed skin. As your pain begins to subside, you realize that he’s not itching. In fact, he has had no reaction to the poisonous leaves whatsoever. The journey resumes, and as you’re walking, you catch yourself watching his steps as well as yours, watching out for those dang roots, and you ask him, “Why didn’t you have a reaction to those leaves?” Your guide simply smiles and says, “Once you’ve encountered that poison, you build an immunity to it, and it will no longer harm you. I fell into a patch very much like that one a long time ago, and now I could sleep in it with no reaction.” You ponder this as you continue on your journey, and you’re intrigued. You ask the guide for all his secrets, and He just smiles, and says “You’ll learn in time. For now, let’s keep walking.”

The guide did not cause you to fall. He did not cause you to have a reaction. He was simply leading you. This is the difference. We live in a fallen world. This is a place where we will fall, we will feel pain, we will scream and cry and shout, and find ourselves surrounded by darkness. But that does not mean we “missed” the Lord’s leading. He may have just led us there.

Epilogue - Intro

2009-05-19T09:25:00.001-07:00

I’m in the truck headed back to Texas after a quick weekend jaunt to Albuquerque. I was unprepared for the flood of emotions that hit me as we came over the mountain and descended into the city. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming. My good friend told me, over coffee, on Thursday night that she thought that I should finish the story and leave it in Albuquerque. I should have known that God was up to something. You see, this weekend marked the 3 year anniversary of Paul and I just knowing each other. And I think that God had the ultimate “anniversary” present for me. Freedom.
This will always be a part of my past, but I believe that God is closing this chapter, and writing the next. And I’m excited to see what He has up His sleeves. But before I leave you, there are a few parts of this story that trample on our paradigms if you will. You may be even questioning my Christianity. If it makes you feel better, sometimes I question it too. But all kidding aside, there were some difficult lessons that I was forced to learn during this time. I didn’t want to include these in the stories, as I felt that they may bog it down some, but I do feel that it’s an integral part of the process. So, in no specific order I leave you with the following thoughts:

Chapter Ten: I Will to I Do

2009-05-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

Fast-forward to the first week of August. I had just earned my Masters of Theology from Desert Rose Christian College in Phoenix, and the ceremony was set to be that Thursday night. My parents were driving down from Salt Lake City along with my grandma, and Paul flew to Albuquerque to drive me out to Phoenix. We had already discussed that he would take this time to ask my dad for my hand, and I was so excited that I could barely sleep. I was sure that he would propose while we were in Phoenix, my home and favorite place!

We made it through the weekend with my parents’ seal of approval along with my degree, but no ring. To say that I was disappointed as we drove back to Albuquerque would be the understatement of the year. As we approached Albuquerque, it was about 1:30am. I was mostly asleep, but awake enough to know that Paul missed my exit. He continued east, and slowly made his way up our mountain. I was exhausted, and I’m sure I was a little whiny. My only thought was that we had to get up at 5am to get him to the airport for his 6:30am flight and I just wanted to sleep. But, as Paul said, it was tradition. So we made the climb. When we got to the top, it was about 2:45am and a balmy 40 degrees, rain coming down. Having come from Phoenix, we were still dressed in shorts and flip flops, but tradition dictated that we park and walk to the crest. I whined, cajoled, maybe even cried a little, but Paul dragged me out of the Tahoe and walked me up there. We made it to the top, and it took me about 20 seconds to be ready to go back to the truck, but Paul grabbed me around the waist and said, “Let’s just wait for a minute.” We stood there silently under our umbrellas for a few seconds, then he said, “I don’t want to live my life without you.” I said, “But you don’t have to,” and I turned to face him. It was then that I found him on one knee, holding the ring box. “Will you marry me?” he asked, shivering. I immediately said yes and kissed him. Because it was dark, I couldn’t see the ring, and we were freezing, so he gave me the ring box and we ran down the hill back to the truck. When we got in, he showed me the ring and placed it on my finger. It was beautiful. It was perfect. And I couldn’t believe that all of this was real. I took a picture on my phone, but didn’t send it to anyone. It was late, and I really just wanted to enjoy this moment with him.

Neither of us slept that night, but we didn’t care. We were getting married, and that’s all that mattered.

Over the next couple weeks we set our date. November 25. This wasn’t our first choice initially as we didn’t want to wait. But after some prayer and many discussions with our family, we all agreed that November 25 was perfect. It was almost like poetic justice, as that was the day Zeke and I had tentatively set. It was the day I had dreamed about even before I met Zeke. In hindsight, it was as if God was giving me the date, I just had the wrong man. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

The next 3 months were crazy busy with planning the wedding, multiple bridal showers in multiple states, counseling, etc. We put thousands of miles on each of our vehicles as we drove the 1000 mile round-trip between Albuquerque and Wichita Falls every other weekend, just to spend a few hours with each other in person. In the midst of all of this, we felt like the Lord was calling us to be in Texas. He was already in Wichita Falls, but didn’t feel like he was supposed to stay there. I had been feeling drawn to Dallas, prior to even meeting him. After much prayer, several heated conversations and a couple of house hunting trips in the middle, we landed in Plano, just 2 weeks before the wedding.

Then Thanksgiving was upon us. It was our wedding week, and the entire family gathered for dinner at Mama Donna’s house. There was so much celebration and anticipation. We flew through the holiday, the bridal tea, getting the boys’ tuxes, rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and then it was Saturday.

November 25, 2006. The day that God fulfilled his promise in my life, and joined me to the exact man that I never knew I needed. Paul is everything that I wanted, and little did I know, even on that day, that he was EXACTLY what I needed. And the mystery of marriage began to unfold, as we drove off into the Albuquerque sunset.

Chapter Nine: NOT a Shotgun!!!

2009-05-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

The next week was a blur. Every night we were together, sometimes until 3-4am. We went Putt-Putt, we went up to our mountain again, we walked through the park, we talked and talked and talked. Then June 4 came. It was one of the hardest goodbyes I have ever said. It was a Monday morning, and Paul came over, early, just to say goodbye one more time. Paul had been transferred and was moving back to Wichita Falls. Neither of us said anything, we just stood there in each others arms, and I cried (crying was getting old!). He walked out the door, and I went back to bed, and cried myself to sleep.

We talked several hours later, as he was driving home, and thus begun the phone marathon. Over the next month, we logged over 7500 text messages and over 3500 minutes (Thank goodness we had the same phone carrier, so we had unlimited of each!). By the time I flew to Wichita Falls for the Fourth of July Weekend, we already knew that we were going to be together forever, however, we weren’t quite prepared to share that with everyone else just yet. It was this weekend that I met Paul’s parents and best friends. It was also this weekend that I had the “Zeke Bonfire”. We took an old coffee can, and I burned everything that I had that linked me to Zeke. There was my old journal in which I wrote many of my thoughts and prayers for Zeke and about Zeke. It was the journal he gave me for Christmas. There were some pictures of us, as well as the information we had designed for the “Band”. Paul said nothing, just stood there as my pillar of strength as I lifted up a burnt offering to the Lord. It was healing. Little did I know that it was only the first step of many in this healing process.

Those 5 days felt like just 5 hours and all too soon I found myself on a plane, headed back to Albuquerque. I cried as I watched Paul drive away from the airport. I cried all the way through security. I cried on the plane. Would crying ever come to an end? Seriously? But it was only going to be 2 weeks until I saw him again. I could make it, right? We continued our phone marathon, talking every waking moment, plus some.

And we began to talk more openly about our plans, and Paul began to shop for rings, which raised some eyebrows. Those who knew us best counseled us to seek counsel, but most also believed that God was doing a good thing in both of us. It was moving fast, even for us, but we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were smack in the middle of where God wanted us. What we didn’t know is that much of our lives would follow this same pattern. It was just the beginning of the whirlwind.

Stay Tuned for Chapter Ten: I will to I do

Chapter Eight: When God Changed His Mind

2009-04-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

"For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow."
~Lamentations 3:31-33

It was the Thursday night before Memorial Day weekend, and I was preparing for a quick getaway to San Francisco to see Grandma Sharon. I was leaving directly after work on Friday, and coming back late on Monday night, and I was really looking forward to the break. As I was finishing up some laundry and getting my bags packed, I had my computer up and was chatting with some friends in Phoenix. Suddenly there was a message from him. After weeks of nothing, no emails, calls, texts, NOTHING, there it was sitting on my screen. "Hi", was all it said. The roller coaster car zoomed to the top of my heart and I dared to hope, yet again. Maybe he had finally seen the truth. Maybe he was jealous of Paul's attention. Maybe he was ready to come back. Maybe.....

I responded and asked how he was. I don't remember the exact conversation, but it went along the lines of he was feeling a little down and listening to some songs and he missed me. He sent me the mp3s of the songs, and they all had some kind of message about "I made the biggest mistake of my life", or "I miss you", or "Would you take me back?". As I sat there at my desk, I just began sobbing, my hearts wound ripping open afresh. He said nothing else; just sent the songs and disappeared. I screamed at the computer. I wanted to rip out the cords and throw it out the window. WHY?!??! How could he do this to me...AGAIN??? And again the roller coaster car hit the bottom.

In the midst of my outbreak, Paul called me. I tried to pull myself together, to no avail. I just cried and cried as I told him what Zeke had just done and how I was so tired of this ride, and that I didn't know if I could fight anymore. Paul listened, empathized, and then he challenged me.
Actually, it was more like a bet.

"You should turn off both of your cell phones and leave your laptop here," he said. "Can you handle that? I just think that you need to take some time with Daddy God and hear from Him." Now, I'm probably one of the most competitive people in the world, and I wasn't about to admit that this would be one of the hardest challenges of my life.
[As a side note, I've learned since that my "life language" is Influencer, who's greatest need is CONNECTION, so to be disconnected from everyone back home was HUGE].

I talked to Paul all the way to the airport, all the way to the gate, and up until they closed the gate, and then I had to turn the phone off. As the screen went black, my heart hurt for Paul.
WHAT?!?!?!?! Paul? Could it be? Why did I miss him? What about Zeke? It was one of the longest plane rides as I cried to the Lord for some answers. Had I strayed? Was I headed the wrong direction? Was I "cheating" on Zeke? What was going on?

When Grandma picked me up from the airport, we headed toward dinner, and immediately dove into conversation about relationships. I spilled my heart about Zeke and Paul and how I was so sure about Zeke that I don't know how to interpret my feelings for Paul. And with the wisdom of the ages, she simply said, "Why are you wasting your time on a man who can't decide if he loves you when you have an amazing man who is sweet, thoughtful, and obviously smitten with you?" It was the million dollar question.

Whenever I spent time with Grandma, I would sleep in the 5th wheeler. It was my own little apartment, and this weekend it became my sanctuary. I slept little, read the Bible some, and prayed like fire was raining from the sky and the earth was about to eat me up. On Sunday morning, I was sitting in Grandpa's old leather rocking chair, holding my Bible to my chest, quietly yearning for a word from God. And then it came. "It is finished." With these three words, all striving ceased and peace wrapped around my heart, and I felt completely released. I was free! IT was as if God plucked me right out of the roller coaster and set my feet on solid ground. Joy bubbled out and for the first time in months I was happy, giddy in love and flitting about like a school girl with her first crush. I couldn't wait to see Paul on Monday night, and Zeke quickly faded into the background.

It was sudden. It was beautiful. It was surprising. It was the beginning of a new journey....when God changed His mind.

Next time on As the Heart Turns, Chapter Nine: "Not a Shotgun!!!"

Chapter Seven: On Point

2009-02-28T18:21:00.000-08:00

"God often turns us on the heels of crisis to pivot us toward the path of our destiny."
~Beth Moore in Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman

Beth Moore tells the story of her bird dog who also "points" at squirrels. When she and her husband are walking with the dog, it will suddenly stop and go "on point" when a squirrel is nearby. In order for them to continue the walk, her husband must pick the dog up and turn it in the direction they are walking. Only then can the walk proceed as planned. She likens us to the dog. Sometimes we are walking along when a "crisis" hits and we freeze and get stuck. It is in this time that God will pick us up and "pivot us toward the path of our destiny".

It was early May, and our church was about half-way through a "50 day Revival" with several of our sister churches. These churches were joining together, calling out to the Lord to revive our city and turn our hearts back to Him! Services were 4-5 days a week at Destiny Church, and we all pitched in with worship, ushering, prayer, whatever it took to keep this thing running. The worship team from my church had at least 1 turn a week, but I still went every night. If there was anything I needed, it was some "revival". My heart still hurt, a lot. I still cried just about every night. I still played on the worship team with Zeke, and that really sucked. But I was starting to stand again. Maybe the first couple pieces of my Jenga life were being re-shaped. I was meeting new friends and laughing again for the first time in a long time. One of these new friends was Paul.

Paul was a member of Destiny Church, and I had seen him with some of my friends, but I didn't know who he was. In fact, I really didn't make an effort to know who he was since I was still in love with Zeke and I thought that he was dating the youth minister, Rachel, at Destiny. One evening after service, I was talking to Rachel, and Paul was standing there. Rather than be rude, I introduced myself, made some small talk and went along my merry way thinking nothing of it.

A couple days later, I arrived at the church about an hour early due to a miscommunication regarding service times. I was really wanting to change clothes, and I didn't really want to drive home, but Paul convinced me that I should go home, and he and Rachel would come with me. I thought, "Why not? We have the time." Paul sat in the back seat, Rachel in the front, and we chatted all the way to the house. I'm pretty sure that I mentioned Zeke at that time, and that I was "unavailable", but only in passing.

Over the next couple weeks, Paul, Rachel, and several others went out after every service. One night, Paul and I exchanged phone numbers and we began hanging out, even when there wasn't a service. He quickly became one of my new best friends, and while I wasn't initially attracted to him, I felt safe. I think that I told him at least 4 times that "my heart belongs to Zeke", and Paul respected that, saying nothing. We sat together each night at church, and he would place his arm on the back of my chair. Sometimes I would feel guilty, other times I wanted Zeke to see it, to make him feel what I felt in April, but mostly I just felt safe. I felt so safe, that I let Paul talk me into a trip to the top of Sandia Peak, this time driving around the back side of the mountain. We took his truck, and some extra blankets, and made the 45 minute trek. When we arrived at the top, we parked and walked to the lookout point. It was darker than dark, but the city lights shone bright. I stood there, shivering, looking back to that same house where my heart still lingered. I said nothing, but my heart screamed "I miss you, Zeke. Why aren't you here with me?" Paul and I walked quietly back to the truck where we laid in the bed wrapped in blankets staring into the sky littered with stars shooting across the blackness. I don't remember much of what was said, but I remember cuddling up to Paul to get warm. His arms felt so good, but the chaos in my heart and mind was out of control. I ached for Zeke. I wanted him. I missed him. I wished it was him laying there with me, instead of Paul.

It was late when we headed back toward my apartment. The ride was quiet, almost as if Paul knew that my heart was bleeding and that nothing could stop it. He didn't speak until we were sitting at the stoplight in front of my place. "Are you convinced that you are going to get back together with this guy?" he asked, with more than the question in his voice. "I am absolutely convinced," I replied. "God promised me." That was all we would say that night. By that time, the light had changed. Paul dropped me off, and I walked up the stairs to my empty apartment, more confused than I had ever been.

Stay tuned for "When God changed His mind"

Chapter Six: A Crisis of Faith

2009-02-28T17:48:00.000-08:00

***Excerpt 2 from my journal***

There's so much chaos in my heart. I just want to hear from you, Lord, to hide in You. I'm sitting on the floor at the foot of the cross where I want to be, where I need to be. So, Lord, will you be here? Will you hear my heart's cry? Lord, you know that more than anything my heart is to serve you....
I've tried my whole life to be righteous; to live a life that is pleasing to you, and I've failed so many times, every time. And while I've preached so many times and believed that it's not about what I do or if I fall, but rather about who I am, I still fall into the same traps...the lies that I've disappointed you, and that's why I'm less than others and I'm struggling through life. Why do I get so defensive? All because I've been trying to be perfect, and I can't. My faith is so weak; my tongue is unbridled, and I'm having the hardest time trusting you. Even though I want to...trust that you really do have everything under control, I can't.
I'm scared, Lord. I'm scared that I've already screwed everything up. I'm scared that I can't really hear you. I'm scared that you can't use me. I'm scared to believe that you really do love me, that you really do want me, that you really do know everything that's in my heart...
Why does my heart waiver? Why is it that I can't believe you [about Zeke]? I'm still so scared that I'm missing your will. I'm scared to ask for confirmations because I know that doubt displeases you, yet I need one. I don't want to doubt. I wish my faith were stronger, but all the wishing in the world isn't helping me to stand. I know that my hope is in you and not in Zeke, but I'm discouraged. I know that your thoughts and plans are not mine...but it's hard to wait. It's hard to be strong. It's hard to see others' promises being fulfilled while mine seem sooooooooooooo distant. Trying to be happy for them while my broken heart screams is nearly impossible. It's so hard to believe, because I automatically believe there's something wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong. I'm not good enough. And God, I'm so tired; tired of working so hard just to fall flat on my face. These are your promises. This is your ministry. This is your life. SO why is it so hard? You said that you would do it; that you would hasten to perform your word....so will you? I'm 27 years old, and so far from where I thought I should be...I feel like I've done nothing. Lord, when??? When can I be married? When I can walk into the destiny you have for me? When will I see your promises fulfilled?
You know I'm not trying to complain....I'm ready for you to do it. I'm ready to lay it all down again. I'm tired of fighting so hard...can I rest? I'm tired of trying to figure it out...can you make it better?

Stay tuned for "On Point"

Chapter Five: Jenga!

2009-02-28T17:24:00.000-08:00

***Excerpt 1 from my journal***

"God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him..."
Psalm 18:20a (The Message)

Jenga! One of the most popular games in the nineties consisted of nothing more than a set of blocks, yet it provided hours of breath-taking and thrilling entertainment. You see, the goal of the game was to strategically remove a block from the tower and place it on the top without toppling the entire thing. Everyone had a different strategy; some chanted, some "hmmmed", some hands shook under the pressure. Only a "master artist" could grow the tower to twice it's original height, and woe to the one who caused the tower to crash. They would be surrounded by screams, laughs and friendly taunts.

It struck me, as I read this verse, that our lives often feel like a Jenga tower. Everyone is pulling pieces from our foundation in an effort to form us into their expectations, all the while creating an increasing instability. Before long, we come crashing down, lying broken in pieces scattered by the force of the fall. The reactions of those around us are diverse. Some will shout, some will laugh, some will shake their heads in disgust while others will try to put us back together again, just to pull out the pieces to make us fall again.

But there is One who has a different plan! You see, while Jenga may be a fun game for adults, in the hands of a child the blocks represent endless possibilities. There are fortresses to be built, houses to be formed, barns to be raised....same blocks - new shape.

At a time when my heart was shattered in pieces, I had a dream. In the dream my pastor was asking me, "Why are you crying?" And as I was beginning to respond with "My heart is broken", I woke up and I heard the Lord say, "Not breaking, reshaping". It took a couple days for it to sink in. God had a plan for my pieces. And though I feel that I can't make it through another day, I hear His voice faintly calling, "I have a plan for you, for a future and a hope."

Father, I come to you in pieces, my heart shattered. I lay myself before you and that you will restore and reshape me into the woman you have called me to be. Let me rest in You, knowing that You alone are my security. I choose to trust that you are the "Master Artist" and Architect of my life, and that your plans are sure.

Chapter Four: Not Bent, Broken

2009-02-28T16:48:00.000-08:00

Why is that you can never just "break up" once? First there was the break-up with Zeke, then again with Zeke. But then it was his family.

I'll never forget that night at the Flying Star. Sitting alone opposite of Ben, Jill and Kelly (of course Zeke was not there), as if I were on trial. While exact words escape me, the gist of the conversation was something akin to "Zeke doesn't love you, so we don't either." I may be exaggerating, maybe, but that's the message my heart heard loud and clear.

Then there was the weekend that the band was scheduled to lead worship at a youth camp. Considering that the "band" was Zeke and his family, I felt that there was no way I could go with them. How can you lead worship with disunity on the team? Makes sense, right? Wrong! I was crucified for my decision to withdraw. After all, I had "given my word". How were they going to use that against me when the decision was made when we were still planning our wedding? I decided, instead, to go to Chicago to support our sister church. While I enjoyed my first visit to the Windy City, my heart still ached. It was a deep ache, like I was missing out on my destiny, and so I cried....again.

The next week was my birthday. What a weekend that was. My parents were scheduled to come down to meet Zeke, and the plan was that he would ask for my hand in marriage. Instead, they came down to find their very broken daughter, struggling to enjoy her favorite day of the year. We took the tram to Sandia Peak (my first time to the top of the mountain) and ate an early dinner. It was freezing, but I made myself walk to the edge of the mountain to see the city. As I stood there, my eyes became glued to his neighborhood, a place I knew well. Why couldn't I just let this go? Why was my heart still bleeding from this? What was wrong with me. I picked up a few rocks, and as a symbol of surrender, I threw them all over the edge. I watched each one tumble, one by one down the desert peak. Was this enough? Was that all it would take to get my life back? Looking back, I wish that I would have listened to my mother that weekend who, in the wisdom only a mother has, said that God's plans are often hidden by our agendas, and that I needed to let Zeke go. But I couldn't....I wouldn't.

When I was in college, I took a pyschology class. It was my favorite class as it explored so much of the science of human nature. I was particulary fascinated with a lecture regarding the tendencies of abused women and why they stay with their abusive mates. I distinctly remember asking myself, "How can they be so broken to believe that these men are their best option?". My professor taught that there is a bell type model which shows that the women actually believe that the "good" qualities in these men outweighed the "bad" qualities, therefore they were willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater "good".

Was this why I couldn't let go? I believed with all my heart that Zeke was a good man, anointed and called by the Lord to great things. I believed that he loved me deeply, and was just a little confused. I made so many excuses for him, even when the "other woman" showed up.

It was the first weekend of April. I had taken one of my many trips to Phoenix, and came back for a Monday night service. We had a special speaker, and I was on the worship team that night. So was Zeke. He walked in and we made eye contact, as we often did. There was a sadness in his eyes, possibly regret, but I just couldn't read him anymore. We made it through rehearsal, when I saw his parents walk in, accompanied by a pretty hispanic girl. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and believed that she was just a family friend. After all, Ben and Jill and Kelly were all laughing and joking with her as well. But when worship ended, he sat down right next to her and put his arm around her, whispering in her ear, making her giggle, just like he used to do with me. My already broken heart screamed "Enough! Isn't it enough? I can't possibly break anymore!" And my shaky smile quickly melted into more tears.

But I still wouldn't let go....

Chapter Three: Darkness is Dark

2009-01-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

Oh, that my grief were fully weighed,
And my calamity laid with it on the scales!
For then it would be heavier than the sand of the sea-
Job 6:2-3

I tried to sing with the worship team on Sunday morning. I cried instead. I tried to listen to the sermon. I cried instead. I tried to laugh at the Superbowl commercials. I cried instead.

And I wished Ben, Jill, and Kelly would just leave the party. Why were they there anyway? Their pitying glances and silence were like salt in a raw wound, screaming "he doesn't want you anymore".

The whole thing was surreal, like I was watching the scene play out from another room. The darkness and grief enveloped my heart very much like a fog rolling in the San Francisco bay, hiding the beauty and leaving only nothingness. Nothingness. That's how it is. Grief so overwhelming, loss so deep, and darkness, only darkness. And all I could do was cry.

So I did. I cried on the way home. I cried in the shower. I cried when I crawled into bed. I cried in my dreams, and when I woke up I was still crying. I cried at my desk, open, vulnerable, exposed. I cried in my studio as I taught piano lessons. I cried at the grocery store. I cried at the bank. I cried at the gas station. Three days later, I found myself dehydrating, but still I cried. I couldn't stop.

Much of that first week is a blur. I remember bits and pieces, but only bits and pieces. Then came the next weekend. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, a conference at our sister church. Our worship team was leading worship for a couple of the services, so I was there. So was Zeke. And Ben, and Jill, and Kelly. After all, they were the best musicians we had, and the core of our team. It was everything I could do to stand on stage with them. My mouth moved as if I were singing, but my voice was gone, and I was left with just tears. More tears. Then on Saturday night, Zeke asked to talk to me. My heart felt a glimmer of hope as we sat in his car. Maybe he was done "processing". Maybe he realized that he had made a mistake. Maybe.....

I don't even remember what he said. He held my hand, and he cried, but then he left. Again.
I stumbled back into the sanctuary like a wounded soldier trying to make it back to base, and I collapsed in a chair next to Donna. And I cried some more.

The second week was not much better than the first. I cried less at work, "less" being the key word. But it was Valentine's Week. And this was supposed to be my first Valentine's day with my very own Valentine. I had waited my whole life for this. Zeke even promised that he would change my disgust for the holiday into a perfect celebration of love. Another broken promise. How many of those had he made? Why didn't I know that he was lying to me? Did he know he was lying to me? Surely he meant every word he said, didn't he? What was going on? Why was this happening? Who got to him? What got to him? Was he afraid? Did I do something? Did I say something? What changed? WHY?!?!?!?!? Oh, why?

More questions, less answers and more tears. God, I hate crying. God, I hate. God. Did He even care? Was He even there? Why didn't He warn me? Why didn't He say something, anything? Why didn't He just kill me instead? WHY?!?!?!?!

And the darkness deepened as I felt myself go lower, and lower, and lower. Was there an end? When would I hit the bottom? Would I ever hit the bottom? My faith was weakened, shattered even. The only place I could find comfort was in bed, hiding from the world of broken dreams that had surrounded me. I clung to my teddy bear as though he would leave me too if I didn't hang on. I was alone. Alone.

Next...Chapter Four: Not Bent, Broken

Chapter Two: Emoticons and Devastation

2009-01-15T09:23:00.000-08:00

I arrived home on a Sunday night. Zeke picked me up from the airport, and by all appearances, we were right back to where we were. Happy, in love, ready to spend forever together. After a couple hours, he took me home.

The next night, our "band" met at Flying Star, one of the coolest little restaurants in Albuquerque, and our traditional meeting place. On the agenda was our upcoming ministry trip to Phoenix as well as our other gigs, a youth conference in March, recording studio dates, etc. I swung by Zeke's house to pick him up, so that we could snag a few "alone" minutes together before the meeting. On the way to the meeting, we talked about our future, and even the possibility of branching out from the group to start our own ministry. We were laughing, especially when I suggested that we should call our group "M&M", reflective of my pet name for him, my "Moshe Mexicano", my Mexican Moses. I had all sorts of ideas with what we could do with that, from having M&Ms in the lobby to designs for our decal, etc. It was a fun ride to the Star, but as we were pulling up, there was a dampening of the mood. Zeke indicated that Ben was going to say some things that I might not like, but wouldn't really tell me what was going on.

The atmosphere was ominous when I walked in. After going through line and getting my favorite Chicken Salad and Iced Tea, I sat down in the booth. Ben and Jill were across from me, Kelly to my right, and Zeke had pulled up a chair to the end of the table and was on my left.
Ben proceeded to tell me that he didn't want to go to Phoenix, and felt that we weren't "ready". He launched into a spiel about more practice, not knowing the people, yada, yada, yada, but I couldn't really hear any of what he was saying. I had planned that trip, by myself, at his request. Some of my best friends lived in Phoenix, my home. My Pastors out there, trusting me, had opened their doors and scheduled a couple of special services for us, after much discussion, and now Ben just decided he didn't want to go?

Because the rest of the group was all family, and he was the oldest, most of the decisions that were made were made by Ben, and the rest of the group followed along. I asked if Zeke and I could go by ourselves, as representatives. It made sense to me, seeing as I wanted my Phoenix family to meet the man I was planning to marry. Also, it fed right into our earlier discussions about branching out into our own ministry. Ben, however, would have no part of it. He became irate at the idea of Zeke and I traveling 6 hours alone together, and then started into a completely unrelated conversation about how he did not want Zeke and I spending any alone time together, because it didn't "look good" for the group. While I understand that when in ministry it is important to watch perceptions, I was floored by the idea that they didn't trust us, and that they were trying to dictate what we could and couldn't do. Looking back, I should have taken this as a complete sign of many family issues, but at the time I was so in love, that I was blinded to much of the obvious.

It was a very quiet ride as Zeke and I made our way back to his home. Very little was mentioned, and our goodnight was brief. I left knowing in my heart of hearts that something was brewing. If I remember correctly, I even called my friend, Donna, and said "something's not right". Little did I know just how big the storm was that was heading my way.

Two nights later, Wednesday, I finished work and headed straight to church. Our Pastor was teaching a Bible Study class called "Emmaus Road", which is the story of Jesus from Genesis to Revelation. I had taken the class the previous semester, but it was Zeke's first time through it, and Ben and Jill were also taking the class, and it was so good and soooooooooooo full of good stuff, that I wanted to take it again. So there I was. I found Zeke, Ben, Jill and Kelly all seated in the front row, and I plopped down right next to Zeke. His reception was cold, and he was aloof. Throughout the class I would try to write him little notes, or smile at him and he wouldn't even look at me. My heart started sinking, and my mind raced trying to figure out what was wrong. After class, Zeke walked me to my vehicle, and I tried to talk to him. He just started crying and asked me, "What if we can't be together?" Startled, I asked him what he meant. He just shrugged and said that he really wanted to be with me forever. I held him as he sobbed on my shoulder, and I assured him that we would always be together, and after a long embrace we parted ways. That would the be last night I would see him as my boyfriend.

Due to conflicting schedules, we weren't able to see each other until Sunday, at a Superbowl party hosted by Donna and Russ. The whole group was supposed to be there, mostly for the original Kansas City Barbeque and Commercials because no one really cared about the game.
But late Saturday night, as I was cuddled up to my computer, I received an instant message from Zeke. I don't remember how the whole conversation went, but sometime in the middle of it, he said, "I can't be your boyfriend anymore, just your best friend."

"What the H&*#$&(*# does that mean?", my heart screamed. Zeke said something along the lines of "I need to work some things out with God", and that "I really want to be with you, but..", and "This doesn't have to be permanent," but "you can see other people". And that was it. He was gone, and I was left with more questions than answers and more tears than I knew I could cry. My heart shattered in pieces and darkness settled in, and the hurricane of broken dreams swept me away.

Stayed tuned for Chapter Three: Darkness is Dark

Chapter One: Love at First Sight

2009-01-11T11:43:00.000-08:00

The day I had waited for my whole life was finally here. You know, the one you dream about when you're a little girl when your prince charming comes riding in to save you from a life of loneliness? After 26 long years of wondering what was wrong with or why I couldn't be married and all the stigmas that go with a young single woman, I had finally met the man of my dreams. We'll call him Zeke (an alias to shield his identity).

It was long in coming. I survived "Bridal College" (you know Bible schools where girls are more concerned with snagging a Christian man rather than getting a quality education) without as much as a single date. I survived a ministry position during which my title was Rev. Christi, our "single worship director". I had many crushes, and wanted to date several people, but never did. I tried, believe me, I tried. I would start down the dating road, only to be detoured by a gracious and wonderful Father. But finally, after many tears and questions, and conversations with Abba, I had a boyfriend.

I first met Zeke's brother and sister-in-law (We'll call them Ben and Jill). Ben, Jill and I were all on the worship team at our church, and they were very, very talented musicians and worshipers. Then one day, they approached me to be join their efforts to start a worship band. Ben played a mean bass and guitar, Jill was an amazing vocalist, I would play keys, Zeke would be our drummer, and their sister Kelly would join as another vocalist. We began with many dreams and visions and were off to a great start, with a few original songs in the studio, a couple events scheduled, and relationships developing. Relationships including mine with Zeke.

We hit it off immediately. Not only is he an outstanding drummer, like none I've seen or heard before or since, but he is an amazing graphic artist. Handsome, funny, and open, we fell very much in love very quickly. We had so much in common, from music, to the Lord, to our dreams for the future. Every waking moment was spent together or with his family, and it was not long before we started talking marriage. In fact, we had set a tentative date, pending his discussion with my father, and he was looking for rings. His parents were talking about the wedding and plans were underway for us to start looking for houses. I was living my dream. Not only was I in love with an amazing man who loved me, but I was finally getting a chance to move into worship ministry, my passion and gifting. Life was great.

Then I took a brief vacation. A friend was getting married, and I was performing the ceremony, so I jetted back to Tulsa for the festivities. Even when I was gone, we spent every extra minute on the phone, and all my friends were laughing at how giddy I was. I was absolutely glowing as I told of my own wedding to come. My heart was finally at rest in the love of my boyfriend, my love, Zeke. But all of that would change when I returned home, and within a week all of it came to a sudden halt.

Stay tuned for Chapter Two: Emoticons and Devastation

Breaking Up isn't as Glamorous on Main St

2009-01-10T18:45:00.000-08:00

I had a dream. It wasn't just any dream, but the kind that woke me up from a dead sleep with my mind racing and my heart pounding and a revelation that there was another layer of pain that God was peeling from a very broken heart.

It was just about 3 years ago when my whole world crashed at my feet, and my heart shattered and everything that I thought I knew about life, love, God and my destiny became a bottomless pit of emptiness and questions without answers.

So here's my story. Because it's so long, and because I really want people to read my blog more than just once (hahaha), I'll be breaking it up into "chapters". I tell it, not for revenge or sympathy, but because I know that writing it is part of the healing that God is working on, and that by talking about it, I can process it. I've decided not to spare any details, but to be completely honest about everything, my part, his part, God's part. I will use an alias for the ex, because this is not about him, but about God's faithfulness and amazing love and grace and His healing power that sets a heart free and mends the broken places.

It is my sincere hope that God will wrap His love around your hearts and minister to you as only He can, and that you will find "Beauty from Pain".

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
~Psalm 34:18

***as a note to those who know me and thought that my last post was about my marriage, there is nothing to worry about...I am still very happily married and blessed with the most amazing husband ever (a later chapter in the story) and he is completely supportive of me writing this story****

Beauty from Pain

2009-01-09T20:52:00.000-08:00

The lights go out all around me
On last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from pain.

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here I am, at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise, there will be a dawn....

(C) 2005 DJ Spacemonkey Music - Superchick from the album "Beauty From Pain"

stay tuned for..."Breaking up isn't as glamorous on Main St"

2008-11-30T12:24:00.001-08:00

God's Involvement with Mankind....

2008-11-30T11:08:00.000-08:00

I've been pondering the meaning of sovereignty and how it relates to God. The word "sovereignty" is not in the Bible anywhere. In fact, only the word "sovereign" is used in the NIV addressing God as "Sovereign Lord" where other translations say "Lord Most High".
Now, I am not questioning that He is Sovereign. In fact, I believe that He is still on His throne, an unshakable throne. It's more a question of application. There are some streams that say that we don't really need to pray because God's will is going to be done regardless. They even take it to the extreme that they won't vote on election day since God is going to put His person in authority anyway, so it doesn't matter. They also explain every bad thing that happens as "God's will". Many in this stream believe that God has predestined those who will go to heaven, so evangelism and missions are "useless". On the opposite side, there are those who believe that God's will can be changed by prayer, fasting and our free will, and that while God is sovereign, He allows humans to make choices. All choices have consequences, some good, some bad, but consequences nonetheless. Both sides have scriptural support. And this is the dilemma. God is not divided, so there has to be someway to reconcile God's sovereignty with our free will.
I don't really know the answer, so I"m sure that this will be an ongoing journey.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary online defines sovereignty as:

sov·er·eign·ty

1obsolete : supreme excellence or an example of it
2 a: supreme power especially over a body politic b: freedom from external control : autonomy c: controlling influence
3: one that is sovereign ; especially : an autonomous state

Sovereign is further defined as "one that exercises supreme authority within a limited sphere [or] an acknowledged leader"

I love that God is "free from external control". This means that nothing can change the fact that He is still on His throne! The economic "woes" of this country have not surprised Him. The results of the election did not surprise Him. He is not moved by the tides of "change" in our world. But, and I do mean "BUT", I believe with all my heart that God's heart is 100% toward people, not just His people, but EVERY single person on this planet. And I believe that when His people pray, He is moved with compassion and stretches out His hand in love and mercy, and that He will turn away from His wrath. I believe His mercy trumps His judgment, but He always remains just, which is a mystery.

So I pose this question to you....what are your thoughts?

Why?

2008-11-23T14:37:00.000-08:00

The three letter word with more umph than a 95 mph fastball...
So I found myself looking over some facebook profiles of acquaintances and asking "why do their lives seem so great? I wish...." Then I stopped myself, or maybe the Holy Spirit stopped me (it was probably Him, cuz' I'm just not that smart). Why is it that we, as humans, tend to look longingly at someone else's situation and assume that it's so much greater than ours? We think, "I wish my husband were like that" or "I wish I knew people all over the world" or "I should have that job" or "I'm just as anointed" (that one's a scary one- yikes!). Yet, we never really know what their life is truly like. AND more perplexing still is the simple fact that if we were to spend as much energy seeking the Lord and walking in His perfect path for our lives, our life would be so great that nothing else would seem desirable. OUCH!
I think (and I know I've blogged about this before) that we get our "desires" so twisted sometimes. We think that we'll be fulfilled if only our husbands are perfect, or we have beautiful children, or if we have a title at work or in the church, and we completely miss that HE is EVERYTHING that we need, and that our ONLY true fulfillment comes in HIM.

Lord, I repent for looking to others to satisfy my heart, for striving to find fulfillment in the things of this world, and overlooking your arms that remain so wide open. Thank you for your gracious reminders that you really do have my best interests in mind, and that your ways and your timing are PERFECT! There is none like you, for you truly are a great and amazing Father! I love you, Lord.....

I think I need a nap....

2008-11-19T19:32:00.000-08:00

Other than my delinquency in updating my blog, more signs have surfaced that maybe I'm suffering from brain overload. Most recently, 5 seconds ago....
It's 9:33pm, and I'm sitting at my desk with my laptop, trying to get caught up on some work that I'm MUY behind on, and my lips are feeling a little chapped.
I'm surrounded by all of my scrapbooking supplies, because it's my goal to play more and work less.
Do you see where this is going???
I just picked up my glue stick and almost used it as chapstick. Thank you Jesus for stopping me from that fiasco!!!
***shaking my head***

An Effective Change

2008-11-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

We finally have a new president-elect. Maybe, just maybe, our news will actually become news rather than biting fighting deriding words of each party. Maybe we can all settle down a little bit and stop arguing with everyone we meet about who is the best man or woman for the job (seriously, I have seen complete strangers going at it because of their bumper stickers).

I implore you, now, to pray like you have never prayed before. President-Elect Obama and his family are facing one of the toughest jobs in the world. He will be faced with many challenges and decisions that will impact our nation, and he NEEDS our prayers. Regardless of how much you like or dislike the man, we are called to pray for those in authority and respect those in authority and to serve.

For some, it may be a complete shift in habits. You may have spent the last year talking about everything that's wrong with this man, and how much you dislike him. For others, you have been so excited about the change he has promised to bring. It's time for every single one of us to unite as Americans, but more importantly as Christians, and pray that God will be glorified in this land. It's time for us to stop our complaining, our slander, our disrespectful comments, and honor the man that God has placed in authority in our country. I'm going to challenge you to remember that old saying that our mothers taught us, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I imagine that it won't be easy for any of us. Some will be watching for every mistake and rejoicing (which is petty, immature and downright disgusting). Others will be disappointed when promises are broken (and they will be broken, because no president in our history has really been able to do EVERYTHING they have promised to get elected). Either way, it will be difficult to guard our tongues, but it is possible!

Let's fight for a true change! Let's get on our knees and choose to speak life into this country again!

The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. - James 5:16

What has happened to customer service?

2008-10-27T20:30:00.000-07:00

After an entire ordeal with Time Warner Cable, and let me say ORDEAL, I'm led to wonder what has happened to customer service? Since when is it ok to lie to people? Since when is rudeness the norm, rather than the symptom of a bad day?
I was talking to my grandmother about this, and she was telling me that there is a company that's advertising jingle is "We're always on time, and we have a great attitude". Seriously? That's my EXPECTATION! If you're not on time, and you're in a rotten mood, you're likely going to lose my business.
What happened to your word being your honor? What happened with taking care of the customer, even if it's "not your job"?
In Time Warner's defense, I am giving them a second chance after tonight. I emailed the VP of North Texas, a very, very, very LONG email, and I just received a response - at 10:27pm! I figure any company who's executive VP will respond to a customer complaint this late deserves at least one more shot....

Just For Fun.....

2008-09-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

So I don't really have anything important to say today....we're still homeless, kinda (For those of you I haven't talked to in forever, our landlady has decided to sell, and our lease is up on Oct 1 - right now we don't have a new house to move to, but since we still have 3 weeks, no panic has yet set in....).
Today is an overcast day in the metroplex, a nice break from the heat of summer.
God is good, and I'm trying to be faithful at work....
Love my husband, my friends, my family, my cat...and sometimes the dog.

Hope you all are having a great day!
more to come....
Loves....

Good God, Bad Christian

2008-08-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

You caught me. I can't lie. So here goes my confession. I am a bad Christian. I don't do everything that a good Christian should do. I don't read my Bible everyday. I'm scared to actually "witness" to someone - in fact, I'm pretty sure that I don't even know how. I don't know the Romans road, or the 4 spiritual laws by heart. I get sad and scared and angry and confused and frankly, I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to be Pollyanna perfect. I'm tired of "acting" right. I just want to be right. I'm tired of pretending that everything is ok when it's not. I'm tired of hearing that when you become a Christian, everything becomes just peachy, and if it's not, you must be doing something wrong or not doing something you should be doing. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm quitting religion. It's all such a mess.

Last time I checked, God says that He's after our hearts. He wants to love us and be loved by us. He wants us to be real with Him, and be with Him. In fact, I'm pretty sure He rebuked the "actors" (after all that's what "hypocrite" means - actor) and told the "religious" people that they were missing it all together. Who was it that touched His heart? It was Mary as she sat as His feet. It was John as he laid on His breast. It was the woman with the issue of blood. It was the woman caught in adultery. It was Peter who dared to get out of the boat, exploded in anger and spoke out of turn - more than once (gosh am I like that or what?). Do you know that the only time Jesus ever yelled at anyone (as recorded in Scripture) was when He was yelling at the Pharisees and people in the temple who were misusing the temple for their own personal gain.

Well, I've been going through a new "salvation" if you will. Now, I'm already "saved", but I believe that salvation doesn't end with the first prayer of confession, but merely begins (see Phil 2:12). There are actually 2 Greek words for salvation- one that means "saved" past tense, and the other means "being continually saved" (I don't have the exact verses with me, but if you would like them, I will find them - just shoot me a message). Anywho, back to the point...my new "salvation" is by far one of the deepest and most difficult things that I have had to walk through. You see, I'm being saved from religion. I'm being set free from the expectations of man, and the "Good Christian Checklist" and I'm finding new life in Christ's love. It's a complete paradigm shift. It's so outside the box of "church" and "religion" that it's like learning a new language and culture. Like I've moved to Zimbabwe or something!

Before you get your panties in a bind, hear what I'm saying. I love love love love church and gathering with my brothers and sisters. And I love reading the Word and hearing His voice and worshiping more than anything else in this whole world. But I love that stuff because it means I'm spending time with the Lover of my soul. And the coolest part of all is that He loves me! He even likes me! He thinks I'm great! He created me for His pleasure (Ps 149:4) and I make Him happy. He likes to spend time with me, and He will stop everything He's doing just to pay attention to me (I think I'm His favorite - sorry to break it to you). And He is so amazing. He is so awesome. I am daily, even hourly, amazed by how, or even why, He loves me - it's so mind boggling. And you know what my favorite thing about God is? He is soooooooooo NOT human! He is not as fickle in His love as so many have accused him of being. He doesn't get mad when I don't read the proverb of the day. He's not disappointed in me when I sing the wrong note in that worship song. He doesn't get offended when I tell Him that I'm not thrilled with whatever is going on right now and that I don't think He really knows what He's doing (yes, I've said that to Him, and of course, I was wrong! But what did you expect? I'm a bad Christian, remember?) Really, I think that He loves an honest heart. He knows what we're thinking anyway, so why not tell Him? Why not get it all on the table and let Him have it? Heaven knows that I would do that with my husband - why not God?

I'm loving this "new" salvation, the journey of this walk. It is a WALK, you realize. Saying the prayer 22 1/2 years ago didn't make me perfect. It just started this amazing hike down the narrowing (and it certainly gets more narrow - can you feel the tight squeeze?) road of life. And the great thing is that He walks with us, and carries us, and strengthens us, and we get to experience His life as we walk. It's not a "someday" salvation. Jesus said, NOW is the time of salvation. "NOW" - you mean that I don't have to wait to experience His grace, His peace, His joy? Not at all....It's all available to us NOW as we walk with Him in His salvation. WOW!!!!

So here's the rub. I've made a decision to quit religion and start my walk as a bad Christian who is loved by a super good God. Will you come with me?

Singing With Jesus

2008-07-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

It is with great sadness and heaviness of heart that I write this post. On Sunday, July 13, my good friend and brother in Christ, Jason, went to be with the Lord.

It was unexpected. It is unreal. It's unfair. It hurts.

For those of you who didn't get the chance to meet Jason, let me tell you a little about him.
Jason was an amazing man of God who loved God with all of his heart, and his wife, Denni, just as much. I first met Denni and Jason in Phoenix, AZ when they came to my church. We instantly became friends, as we had many of the same interests: worship, baseball, games, comedy and kitties. Denni and Jason were my family when I was a single young worship leader trying to figure out which way was up. They were more than just casual friends, they were a lifeline. We all sang together, played together, laughed together, cried together. Even after I moved away, we remained friends, always hanging out when I came to visit (Props to our favorite Pizza Joint).
Then I got married, and moved even further away. Contact dropped off a bit (much to my regret and sadness), and then I got an email....

Saturday, I heard from Denni that Jason was in the hospital, and after a long 28 hours he was still in critical condition, but stable for now. I immediately informed my praying people and I hit my knees, crying out to God for a miracle for my friend.

On Monday morning I got the call that Jason went home to be with Jesus, and my world was shaken. All I could think was "He's so young", "This can't be happening", "How in the world is Denni surviving all this?" and "I wish I could be there [Phoenix]". I just could not believe that he was really gone.

After a very, very, very long day at the office, I went to the gym. As I was working out, my heart would go back to Phoenix, and it would flutter a bit as tears welled up in my eyes. But the strangest thing kept happening. Every time I would feel sad, I kept hearing "There is joy", and peace would just wash over me. Then, as I was walking out of the gym, I heard the phrase "Singing With Jesus", and it struck me that my friend, Jason, had been promoted. He is no longer singing for Jesus, because he's singing with Jesus, and what a cool place to be. (I can't lie, a little part of me got jealous when I realized that he was with my God in heaven!) Now, while that is one of the best parts of being a believer, it doesn't take away the sadness we feel on earth. Even Jesus wept when one of his best friends died (see John 11:35). So, when I got home, the floodgates opened and I wept.

I wept for the loss of my friend and the sadness I feel inside. I wept for my friend and sister, Denni, who's world has just collapsed. I wept for the fact that it could've been me or my husband. I wept because I couldn't do anything else.

This is really my first experience with grief, a deep grief. I've lost a couple of grandparents, and while that made me sad, I was never close to them. But Jason, wow....he is my age, in the prime of his life, with so much ahead of him, my friend, my brother. And there are no answers. The question, "why" is rarely answered, yet in the midst of all these storms, we are called to lean on God's goodness.

Though the fig tree may not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls-
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The Lord God is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer's feet,
and He will make me walk on my high hills.
~Hab 3:17-19

And while I still feel sad, I am comforted in that I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God is good, and my friend is singing with Jesus. I'll miss you, Jason. And, Denni, if you happen to read this, I love you so much, my sister, and I'm praying and crying with you. If you need anything at all, please call me......

Can you trust?

2008-07-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

"For the word of the Lord holds true, and everything He does is worthy of our trust."
Ps 33:4 (NLT)

Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defends trust:
1. to place confidence; depend
2. to commit or place in one's care or keeping; entrust
3. to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of; believe
4. to hope or expect confidently

Such a small word packs a big punch. How is it that we have such a hard time with this word. I mean, it makes sense that it's hard to trust people. After all, we are all people, and we know our own tendency to screw things up and let those we love down, so it's only natural to expect the same from others. But God? He is the most amazing father, awesome in everything He does, never failing us, never leaving us, always loving us and holding us closely. And yet, we still hesitate. Is it because we think that He'll treat us like our earthly father who was abusive, or that bully that tormented us throughout our early years, or maybe that mother who was over critical of everything we said or did? Is it because we "trusted" Him once, and He let us down (oh, that could preach - it would take a whole page, at least, just to explore that)?

I put it to you that it might just be that we don't really know Him, and I mean intimately know Him. Like Moses, David, or Elisha....like Jesus knew His Father. How different would our lives be if we walked in the same face to face relationship with God that Moses walked in? What would it be like if we, like Enoch, walked with God? Would we trust then? The writer of Psalm 33 knew God to be true to His word, and if He is true to His word, then He MUST be trustworthy. Moses also sang about the trustworthiness of God. "God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through?" (Num 23:19 - NLT).

So, what will it take for us to fall into His hands in complete surrender and trust? And I don't mean the semi-surrender that we call trust. You know what I mean, the "Lord, I believe that you have a plan for my life, but since you're not moving in my timeframe, I'm gonna push it along", or the "Lord, I know that my spouse loves you, but since they don't act like I think they should, I don't believe that you're really moving in their lives." OUCH!!!!
And I return to my last post. "Oh that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know Him" (Hos 6:3 - NLT) The moment that we press into Him and begin to see Him and know Him in all His splendor, we too will be able to say with all confidence that "everything He does is worthy of trust."

For the Dogs

2008-07-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny and amazing how God can speak to us through everyday experiences and people and....pets? This is how it went. This morning I woke up a little bit earlier than Paul, and I had the chance to spend some extra quiet time with the Lord. I snuck downstairs, and got all set up in the recliner with my Bible and notebook, and prayed, "Lord, speak to me today", which is my typical routine. Just as I opened my eyes to start reading, my puppy (who is now a monster at over 50 pounds) jumped in my lap and laid down. Just before I chided her, I felt the Lord speak. You see, she was just sitting there, chewing her bone, wanting to be close. And she got the attention she was looking for. She is the most persistent thing. If you ignore her, she will get in your face so that you know she is there and so that you will pet her and play with her. And I think that is exactly how God wants us to be with Him. The Word says that we will find Him when we seek Him, a persistent pursuit of Him. And Daisy is such a good reminder of this. She will sit at my feet when I'm eating, with hopes that she'll get some too. She will be in whatever room I am in. She will put her toys in my hand so that we can play. And she's really good about getting a LOT of attention. Sometimes she misbehaves, and we correct her, and she just looks up at us with the sweetest face, we can't stay mad at her. And what a difference between her and the cat. The cat likes attention, but only on her terms, and only if it's "convenient" or "comfortable" for her. She doesn't like to be held, pursued or played with. More appropriately, she's a "fuzzy piece of furniture" (thanks Paul for that accurate description!).
After considering all of this, the question was posed to me, "What kind of kid are you going to be?" Am I going to be content doing my own thing, spending minimal time with Daddy at my own convenience, or am I going to be relentless in my pursuit of His attention?

"Let us know,
Let us pursue the knowledge of the LORD. "
Hosea 6:3

Thank God for the Internet

2008-06-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

How in the world did we ever live without it? I mean, one stop shopping, information at your fingertips, instant (and free) connection with family and friends across the world, seriously, how did we live without it? I have just gotten sucked into the world of Facebook, where I have reconnected with friends from high school and college that I haven't talked to or seen for years! Not to mention, I can play the never ending movie quiz, and trust me, it really is never ending! As if that weren't enough, I can sit here and write about anything I want for anyone who is crazy enough to read it. And then, I can read anything written by my cool and crazy friends (see the list growing on the left side).
As a bonus, there is so much great stuff happening on the internet. For example, check out God.tv, a website that broadcasts Christian programming 24-7, and is dedicated to reaching the world for Christ. Then there are all the sites that have access to hundreds of different Bibles, commentaries, study materials. It's endless!!! I bet the Apostle Paul would've killed for this kind of technology. Well, maybe he's just sitting up in heaven, cheering us on to use what God has given us for His glory, the internet included!
So, Lord, please be glorified in this blog, in this page, because anything else is just trivial. Love you!!!!

The Green Monster Revealed....

2008-06-14T19:14:00.000-07:00

I think that realistically we all have one, a little green monster, I mean. Some of us may have more than one (Yikes!). It rears its ugly head in many different ways for each individual. For some it's a look of longing. For others it's a quiet resentment brooding deep inside. Still others lash out at loved ones in anger. It thrives on unmet expectations and the word "unfair".
For me, it shows up with the age old question "why". Why is it that "she" is pregnant and doesn't even want a baby. Why am I stuck in this job? Why can't I get a pedicure? Why can't I go to Europe? Me, Me, Me, Me, Me.....
Have you identified the monster? Do you struggle with the same thing?
Maybe I'm the only one....
Lord, help me see You as the only thing I need. May I crave You more than any earthly thing. May I find my place and my peace in You. Let everything else disappear in the glorious light of who You are....

Sacrifice and Success

2008-06-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

So I had this doctor tell me that I need to lose weight so that I can have a baby, and since we want babies, I figured I'd better get to it. So on April 1 I started weight watchers, and on April 16th (ish) I joined a gym. Do you have any idea how much it sucks to eat rice cakes instead of snickers and salads instead of burgers and fries? And every night at the gym with all these skinny people that make this look easy? For reals....I'm telling you, it's hard to stay motivated most nights. Then it happened....Last Friday I fit into a pair of jeans that I haven't worn in MONTHS! And then tonight, I weighed myself (which I don't do very often because I know I weigh a lot and I don't need a scale to tell me that!) and found that I've lost 15 pounds since April 1!!!! While that might be a lot to some, it's a HUGE deal for me, and for some reason my work out felt like I was floating on clouds. God is so faithful to encourage us when we feel like we're making no progress whatsoever....Thank you Lord!!! I only have a zillion pounds left before I can have babies! LOL

Overtime, Revival and the Green Monster

2008-06-02T17:41:00.000-07:00

So my faithful friend has reminded me that it's once again time to update this site. Funny thing, I was just thinking the same thing. I'm thinking that I'll have more time to rant and rave and ramble since I've made a new decision....no more working at home, no more overtime. My boss and her manager have both stated that it's impossible to get everything done, so I've decided that I am going to stop trying to finish everything at work, and actually finish something at home. My dishes are done, my laundry is caught up, my scrapbook for my Israel 2005 trip is starting to get done. I have more time with my husband, and I'm working out, getting healthy and SLEEPING! So this is what it feels like to have a "normal" job. Amazingly enough, I'm still getting the same amount, if not more, done during my day. God is so faithful to honor obedience. I'm happier, my husband is happier, and I'm guessing that God is happier (you'd have to ask Him to verify this, though).

Speaking of a happy God, one of my favorite sayings is that "God is always in a good mood". He is good, ALL the time, not just some of the time. His very being, His glory is goodness, and He doesn't change, regardless of the circumstances. Our pastor has been talking a lot about this, and the more I meditate on it, the more it's truth sinks down into my heart.

Have you heard about the outpouring in Florida? Now, I realize that there are many suspicions about "outpourings" and a lot of people who will try to disprove that all of these "wonders" are actually of GOD, and I've had my questions. How many times have we seen men and women of God fall, thus seemingly discounting everything that happened as a result of their ministries? And to be honest, I kinda wondered about this "movement". It's now on day 62, and I've been listening and watching it on God.tv (online- great site, you should check it out - it's FREE!). I wondered if this will be just another "revival" that lasts for a brief period of time, giving Holy Ghostbumps, but producing no change in the status quo. Then God really started to convict my spirit. You see, it's not about how long it lasts, or what it looks like, or who's leading it. It's about recognizing God and being where He is. Our pastor was talking about worship yesterday, and he said "it's not about what you like, but about what HE likes". It's the same thing with these types of services. I may not be comfortable with people yelling, or speaking in tongues, or shaking, rattling, rolling, dancing, singing, shouting, etc, etc, etc, but what if I'm limiting what God wants to do in my life? Am I like Michal, David's wife, who scorns the move of God, and therefore becomes barren in my life? Or will I abandon everything in me to worship God and serve Him with everything in me, even if it means dancing all over the place? I don't want to be like the people of Israel, waiting at the bottom of the mountain because I am scared of the presence of God. I want to be Moses, walking into the fiery presence of God, where I can talk to Him face to face as a friend. I don't care what people think. I don't care if it's not "normal" or "non-traditional". Jesus was "out there" too, and if He's my example, I'd better be about my Father's business. All of this to say, I want MORE. There is more to God and I want to know Him, more and more every day, and I will do whatever it takes to meet Him, every day, everywhere.

Now that I'm talking about God, I don't want to bring up the Green Monster...that will just have to be a teaser for the next episode. All I know is that in His presence, there is nothing else.
Let's go deeper....will you come with me?

This One's for You.....(AMY...:-P)

2008-04-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

SO, I promised one of my bestest friends that I would update this site, so here it goes.
Life has been so busy that I'm still writing February on checks and wondering where March and April have gone. All good stuff, though. Paul and I are working with people to get debt free thru Financial Peace University-God is so good, and we are so grateful to be a part of it! Also, spending time in various life groups and training classes at church. We've met some great new friends, and we're loving hanging with them as well as our "old" (not in age-no offenses-teehee) friends. Working and working out (ya...I'm feeling it today...yikes).
All in all...God remains faithful and so good, and I am so thankful for His everyday presence in our lives.
Peace out....(love you Amy!!!!)

God's Heart Just Broke

2008-03-08T07:59:00.000-08:00

I know it just happened a couple days ago, but it's taken me some time to be able to talk about it. In case you haven't heard, 2 gunmen entered a library at a Jewish Seminary in Jerusalem and opened fire, killing 8 and wounding about 35 more. I read this while I was at work on Thursday, and tears just fell down my face as I felt such pain in my heart. I understand that this doesn't catch God off guard, but I can't imagine it hurts him any less. And while Jesus warned us that there would be wars and rumors of wars in the the last days, I don't believe for one second that his heart doesn't break for His people. So I join with the thousands of mourners in Jerusalem and Israel and cry out to God for the peace of Jerusalem. Maranatha!

"Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:
May they prosper who love you.
Peace be within your walls,
Prosperity within your palaces.
For the sake of my brethren and companions,
I will now say, 'Peace be within you.'
Because of the house of the Lord our God
I will seek your good."
~Psalm 122:6-9

Seinfeld kinda day...

2008-01-20T13:05:00.000-08:00

It's a show about nothing, or at least that's how it's advertised.
Well, that's kinda how today is. There are things going on, but really it's nothing to be excited about. It's sunny outside, but chilly. Football games are on, old movies are on, Animal Planet is on (by the way the Hippos beat the Crocs to claim the title as the most vicious). It's all about comfy clothes, fuzzy blankets, nap time. I love these kinds of days, where you can enjoy your family and rest in His Sabbath. So with that said....Love to you all!

God's Faithfulness

2008-01-05T12:10:00.000-08:00

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." Ps 37:4

This verse has been taken out of context amongst several schools of theology. I've heard it used to promote a "santa clause" type of God, you know the one who will give you what you want if you perform for him.
I've pondered this verse hundreds of times, and if I were to be completely honest, I've tried to use it to my advantage. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed "God, you're my delight, now can I have....?" How easy it is to get sucked into the selfishness of using God for my personal agenda, rather than truly delighting in Him. As if that's not enough, I have pretended to know what the desires of my heart really are. I think that God must have fun laughing at my plans and my thoughts. In retrospect, I have fun laughing at my plans and thoughts.
You see, I have found in my life that as you delight in the Lord, I mean truly pursue Him above all else, He will begin to reveal His truest desires for your life. I believe that He's placed these desires in your heart, and that you just don't know what they are until you're so wrapped up in pleasing God that nothing else matters.
How do I know? It's like this. When I met Paul, I was on the heels of a bad break-up. My heart was mush, and I was convinced that I knew what I wanted. Heck, I thought I knew what God wanted. The truth was, I was so broken-hearted, I didn't know what was real. That is, the only thing I could be sure of was (and is) God's faithfulness. You see, it was during this time that I fell so completely into God's hands. There was nowhere else I could go. His heart was the only safe place for me. It was during this time that I met Paul.
Here's where this verse comes in....Paul is the man my heart has always desired, only I never knew it. He is nothing like I expected, or thought I wanted, but He is PERFECT for me, and God knew that. God, in His faithfulness, awakened my heart and gave me the desires that had been sleeping there in my heart. And now every day, I see God's heart in my husband. Every day I see that God knew exactly what I needed, and what I've always wanted, and He gave me Paul. And I can't tell you how many times I've thanked God that He didn't give me what I thought my desires were. Whew!
What are your desires? What are you delighting in? Let it be Him! God is so good. He is so faithful, and He loves you so much more than you could ever imagine. Fall into Him. Press into Him. It's worth it, not for the gifts He gives, but for who He is.
For meditation.....Jer 9:23-24
"Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, let not the mighty man glory in his might, nor let the rich man glory in his riches; But let him who glories, glory in this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord, exercising lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth, For in these I delight."

A lesson in humility

2008-01-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

This is a lesson that seems to be frequently repeated in my life. Maybe one day I'll get it? This is how it went:
I woke up this morning not feeling superb, so I decided to sleep in a little bit and get to work late (the beauty of flex time). My plan was to get to the office about 9:30, and the office is about 15 minutes away. It was 9:15, and I put Daisy in her crate, grabbed my lunch and was about to head out the door when I realized that I couldn't find my keys. I tore apart the house, and could not find them. I searched the truck (from outside since it was locked) and couldn't see them. Now this has never happened to me, so this was a new phenomenon.
On a normal day, I could've just called in and said, "I'm working from home", but since my laptop was locked in the back of the truck that wasn't an option. I debated calling in sick, but although I wasn't feeling great, I wasn't really sick, and it always looks bad to call in sick the day after a holiday (unless, of course, you really are sick).
So here's the humility lesson times 3 - First I had to call Paul and ask him to come home from work to let me in the truck. Then I had to call a colleague and let him know I was going to be late because I lost my keys. AND then (here's the worst part) I had to call my team (you know, the people that work for me?) and tell them why I was going to be late.
The beautiful part of the story is that my precious Knight in Shining Armor came sweeping down in his white 205 "horse"power F150 and rescued this damsel in distress. The keys were locked safely in the console of the truck (he had driven yesterday, so I threw my keys in there for safe-keeping, and they were safe!). I got to work at 10:30 (only an hour late) and had a good day in spite of its start (and aside from a few wisecracks about my crazy morning).

Can You Believe it's 2008?

2008-01-01T16:44:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year to you all....although, I still can't believe that we've entered 2008. Where did all the time go? It seems like it was just yesterday that we were all waiting with bated breath for Y2K to destroy our lives. Now, eight years later, our lives have become ever more dependant on the latest technology.
New Years Day is traditionally known for resolutions, or at least the facade that we will actually change that one thing we dislike about ourselves...really, this year...I'm going to do it...sure, whatever. Realistically, can any of us really say what we're going to do or not do in this next year? The Bible says that tomorrow is never guaranteed, and if we're going to have a tomorrow, it will have it's own set of circumstances to think about (Christi's translation), so can we ever really plan? Sure it's great to set goals, to work to become more disciplined whether with working out, praying more, spending more time with family and less money avoiding them, but when 2009 comes around, what is the one thing that you want to look back and be able to say "I did it!"?
I've been thinking about this for the last couple of weeks. You see, I have a TON of things that I need to change about myself, and a TON more that I would like to accomplish. It's actually quite overwhelming. As I've been pondering these things, I've decided to boil it down to one thing, and one thing only. I want to live each day in the perfect will of GOD, to be directed by HIS Spirit alone rather than my selfishness, to allow GOD to make every call in my life as He's shaping me to become more like HIM! When I sit down on 1/1/09 I want to know that I've done exactly what He wanted me to do, learned every lesson that He wanted me to learn, and to be exactly who He wants me to be.
It's a good thing that He is strong in our weaknesses!
I pray that God blesses you in this new year and may God increase you in the knowledge and revelation of His love!

Yearly Update

2007-12-15T19:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it's been over a year since I've talked with some of you....I'm still learning the marriage thing! Have I ever mentioned how much I love being married?
Anyway....Here's our 2007 in a nutshell (and not in any particular order of events)....
We moved into a new townhouse - Paul has a garage, I have a worship room, and our new puppy has a backyard...
Yes, we got a new puppy...her name is Daisy, and as of today, she is about 15 weeks old...she's a "hound mix" which means the shelter really has no idea what she is - best way to describe her is a beagle, pit bull, lab mix that really looks like a small yellow lab...in other words, absolutely adorable.
Paul is still working at Fastenal, but has transfered to a new branch. We're still praying for favor for a new job, but in God's time.
I'm still with Farmers and keeping busy.
We've found a great church (anyone in the Dallas area should check out Sojourn Church), and we've been active in a couple of small groups, and I just made the worship team, so I'll be getting involved in that after the holidays!
Other than that, we've been loving life, enjoying our marriage, and watching God's faithfulness blossom in our every day life!
We love each and every one of you, and would love to hear from you....
email, call, write....we'll write back!
May God bless you in this Christmas season, and keep checking back - I'll try to do better about posting updates!